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Wanna be Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant? She's hiring. [TMZ]
. . . And Donald Trump may be hiring Lindsay Lohan herself. Or so says Dina. [NYDN]
Colombo underboss John "Sonny" Franzese got into a screaming match with his ex in a courthouse men's room. Classy. [Post]
Obama's pushing a tanning tax, and Snooki thinks he's targeting the Jersey Shore kids specifically. [WSJ]
Bloomberg's cracking down on truancy and the possibility of an end to free MTA student rides looms ever larger. However, students still have their youth, while we withered adults also can't play hooky and always have to pay for transpo. So shut up, kids, and go get us another wine cooler. [NYT]
Lady Gaga freaked out at Citifield yesterday. Whether it was an actual freak-out or performance art remains to be seen. [Post]

Lady Gaga totally steals her sister's thunder at high school graduation. [NYP]
Coney Island continues to fight its own trashy allure, wants to ban cigarettes. [NYDN]
The seven worst outdoor drinking spots in the city. [Eater]
Internet geeks try to out-annoy each other at Webutante Ball. [YouTube]
John McCain['s PR flack] tweets Snooki, calls Obama's tax policy a Situation. [Intel]
Hamptons spared a new Michael Lohan nightclub. [Grub]

What the hell is going on at Superdive? [EVGrieve]
Times food dude Sam Sifton ranks his 50 favorite NYC restaurants. [NYT]
Jury to decide if Kirsten Dunst's courtroom stint was her first good performance in years. [NY P]
New Yorker reminds London that NYC invented punk. [BoweryBoogie]
With Rue McClanahan's death, the world loses another Golden Girl. Here are some of her finest moments. [Vulture]
NYC nannies get some respect. Fran Drescher claims credit. [NYT]

Ms. NJ United States (heh) wants to be on the next season of Jersey Shore. [TMZ]
Alia Sabur, Long Island's very own awkward genius, says she can plug BP's oil leak. We'd make fun, but we really hope she's right. [Post]
Some New Yorkers own giant dogs. The pictures make us giggle. [NYDN]
So far, the reviews for Coney Island's Luna Park are pretty great. [WSJ]
Damn those urban mynah birds! [Curbed]

Next year, new Whitney Museum will be built in the Meatpacking District. [NYT]
The men in blue will be providing 24-7 protection to the Jersey Shore cast. [TMZ]
In case you haven't heard, the Superbowl is here in 2014. Start stocking up on body paint and foam fingers. [Post]
Good Samaritan rescues woman from subway train, then promptly disappears. [NYDN]
Duchess Sarah Ferguson swirled through NYC yesterday in a cloud of financial panic and disgrace. [Post]
Bryant Park has its own sex guru. [WSJ]

Jersey Shore producers sued over allegations of criminally profiting from staged fights. Haters will always hate. Fist pump to you, JS prods. [Post]
For the first time in our lives, we want to hug Naomi Campbell. [NYDN]
The FBI sometimes just loses people they're supposed to be tracking. But then Emirates Airlines steps in and helps out. [NYT]
Miranda July has an interactive sculpture project that opens May 29 in Union Square, so now you can pretend to like her work all over again. [WSJ]
Painting of Picasso's mistress (a painting that the artist banged out in a single day) just sold for more than 106 million. [NYT]
Bingo lady just lost her lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen. Do you hear that? It's the sound of evil Bruno laughter and bingo enthusiasts' sobs. [TMZ]

Patti Smith says New York is dead. Long live...Poughkeepsie? [Jeremiah]
Chris Brown's PR geniuses stage his comeback in a boxing ring. [Vulture]
You simply cannot avoid Carrie Bradshaw. Again. [Grieve]
Manhole displays impeccable timing by exploding near rattled Times Square. [NYT]
Jersey Shore is getting a soundtrack. Bruce Springsteen is getting earplugs. [HitFix]
National Enquirer blows much of its implausible recent goodwill. [Intel]

Welcome to New York, Swedish Princess Madeleine! Sorry your fiance cheated on you with a "ski bunny." [NYDN]
If you're driving a truck down the FDR, don't get wedged under underpasses. [Gothamist]
Ekaterina Gerasimova is a model who secretly videotapes critics of the Kremlin having special times with her. It's all in service of Mother Russia. [Post]
Darren Aronofsky insulted Brooklyn and arty hipsters are piiiiissed. [Curbed]
Sellers of real estate vanity listings are optimistic, deluded. [Observer]
Jersey Shore producers already looking toward the 3rd season, assemble dream team of juiceheads. [TMZ]

Stuyvesant High kids will stop at nothing to grope that special girl in the back of a rented limo, then spill grain alcohol punch down her gown. [Post]
Oooooh. For 27 bucks, dirty MTA employees will sell you a master key to all the turnstiles in the city. [NYDN]
Now there's a pedestrian plaza planned for Union Square. More folding chairs! More! [Gothamist]
Shepard Fairey's new artwork should be called "They Shoot Murals, Don't They"? Or maybe "Once Tagged, Twice Shot." Ie people are firing bullets at it. For serious. [Animal NY]
Ramona Singer of RHoNY has the most boring Sunday routine ever, probably because she didn't tell the Times about the four hours spends doing eyelid exercises. [NYT]
Snooki slapped someone. [NYDN]
Mike Bloomberg spends a lot of time in Bermuda. [NYT]

Have you guys heard about this thing called the internet? It turns out that people reveal really, really personal details on it, and then reporters write articles about these details. [NYT]
Jury vindicates NY 1 and Time Warner in reporter's sexual harassment case. [Post]
Archie and Veronica and Betty and Jughead now have an openly gay pal, Kevin Keller! Predictably, Veronica won't take no for an answer. [NYDN]
34th Street car-free zone in the works. [NYMag]
Lindsay Lohan is a suspect in the theft of a very pricey Rolex. [TMZ]
The Met's roof is out of control, thanks to the Starn brothers. [NYT]

If you need 3 million bucks, just hold out on the Atlantic Yards project til the bitter end. [Post]
Shake Shack has a peanut butter bacon burger? This is the best thing since the Double Down. [Gothamist]
Jersey Shore cast-members may be kicked off the show. Don't take Jwoww! [Post]
Rapper T.I. gets out of jail, goes directly to 1Oak. [NYDN]
Predictably, NYC parents are freaking out over whether their kids are gifted or not. [NYTimes]

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