Gym Adventures

I’ve graduated from dodgeball, Freeze Tag, Steal The Flag and “Scooters”; to Power Yoga and Fluidity in my “gym class” digest. Sucks growing up huh? Over the past years I’ve realized that there are so many things that are unique to certain areas of the world, so many differences even between places in the U.S. From their social formalities, nuances, food choices; to the customary greetings, it is fascinating to be able to spend moments of your life under different barometers of normality. There are, however, certain things that seem to be universal no matter where you come from or where you’re going….one of these “universals” could very well be gym formalities.

In Manhattan, “gyms”, like “schools” and “grocery stores” are often smashed between office buildings, apartments, and Thai takeout places, and thus many times lack the social settings that one may be used to at their “country-club esque” health clubs back home. The pools are smaller if they have one at all, and the “lounge” is usually a snack bar stand with powerbars and possibly some smoothies. The lack of space is most prominently felt in the locker rooms, but besides that, I have to admit, I kindof like “gyming” this way. In New York, you don’ t really need your gym to be your social connector do you? (Don’t even get me started on the planned “gym resort” weekend trips). I mean I have enough friends as it is and I could never imagine seeing my “gym buddies” in any other setting and frankly, do not particularly want to. (nor do I want them seeing me out of the gym realm…has this ever happened to you? It’s is so incredibly awkward).

Currently, I spend enough time at my gym to see some faces enough times to form a connection…occasionally chit-chatting for a couple minutes about random gym related topics, but usually just the comradely nod. I think it’s cool that there will always be that curiosity factor maintained for both me wondering about them, (what they do for a living, if they’re straight, where they go for fun, etc.), and vice versa. I like the fact that someone may be thinking that I’m some exotic person who spends her days talking to UN ambassadors next to Angelina Jolie (this is highly un-likely as I’m sure most of them are certain I work in advertising, marketing, or fashion). In any event, it’s nice having people not know, you know? And somehow, a lot of times, I feel as though these people that see me in my purest, most unalluring state, know me better than some of my good friends. Weird how that works…

Here are some things I’ve noticed at the gym that seem to be the norms at most other gyms around the country (and I imagine, the world):

1. Locker Rooms:
* It’s always the same deal….every locker room I’ve been in. Most important thing I can tell you is that you’ve gotta stake out your territory right off the bat….I always make sure that I spend a necessary amount of time choosing my “area” especially if I know I’m going to be showering and changing there later on….this is extremely important.

*While I realize we’re all spending the same amount on membership fees and this should mean that we can all bare whatever we darn well please to in the confines of this room….it’s just not necessary. Actually, the fact that I do PAY to belong here should in itself guarantee that I do not need to be bombarded with images of what my body may look like when I’m 70 (god forbid!)….these are really the only ladies I’m referring to here, they seem to be the only ones that don’t know what is “locker room appropriate” and what isn’t (besides the occasional bare-all middle aged woman)….maybe it’s because they didn’t have these sorts of social situations in their youth, I don’t know….

*There’s always going to be awkwardness in a crowded locker room….there’s really no way around it. When you’re forced to be in there with a lot of people there is bound to be unintentional bumps, and breeches of personal space, or what’s worse: the meeting of the eyes, or caught look over. You know, when you catch someone who was just staring at you, or someone catches you looking them over and you have to glance away really quickly but you both know what’s going on….. I’m telling you, it’s no one’s fault…with that many bodies around what are you supposed to be looking at? Sometimes if I walk into a really crowded locker room I try fixating on my purse or a locker or something just so I don’t get caught doing this…it’s tough man!

*And finally, the towels will always be too small, the shampoo and conditioner will always be to runny and cheap, and the tampons they provide will most likely be the cheap generic ones…this is true across the board, from the high-end country clubs to the Gold’s Gyms.

2. Best Time of Day to Go:
* You really need to do some research and figure this out accordingly for your own personal gym. Here’s some observations I’ve made that may be useful: early mornings you will usually be amongst the most attractive gym-goers…If this motivates/appeals to you…it would be a great time to go, just know in advance that treadmill availability will be touch-and-go, and you will no doubt be among many neurotic women who think they must look busy all of the time and will be constantly comparing each other to themselves.

*The after work crowd is equally as frazzled, there’s even less equipment available as now there are the guys around, and, at least at my gym, this is when the super super skinny girl that runs for 2 and a half hours goes…

*The semi-late nighters. I say “semi” because I never would have thought of leaving the gym by 9:30 pm “late” a year ago. This is because my lifestyle last year and the previous ones meant that anything before 10:00pm was still considered early evening to me (on some occasions it would even be deemed “afternoon” territory). Now it’s late and I tend to like the crowd that closes down the gym. They’re usually the ones that mind their own business and leave you to yours. Something about knowing the gym is going to close in 30 minutes makes me more productive it seems.

*Off-peak afternoon hours may seem like a good time to be at the gym and I’m sure this is the case (I however, wouldn’t know because I have a job).

3. Routine:
*Make sure you vary this up…keep your body on its toes (literally and figuratively)

4. Attire:
*Wear whatever you like except: scrunchies and spandex, the TWO unforgivables. And girls, please keep in mind the infamous “camel toe” faux pas (same for short shorts on guys). Oh and when you reach the part in your workout when you can start smelling yourself, please stay as far away from me as possible. Also, ladies, we know you went to college and were probably the president of the sorority of who’s letters are plastered across your shirt….you’re obviously not in college anymore and while you may still be affiliated with Kai Delta Kai or Theta Phi Alpha, is it really necessary to continue the affiliation into your 30’s?

5. Final advice:
*Drink a lot of water (really it makes a difference)
*Whether you’re at the health club, gym, club de la salud, randello di salute, or the salle de gymnastique, never, never let on that you don’t know what you’re doing (even if this is in fact the case)!

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