Everything You Need To Know: The Guido
[Guido here, guido there, guido everywhere!]
[Image Source: NJGuido.com]
What is a Guido? This is a question that has occupied some of the finest minds of our generation. Although some have come remarkably close to capturing the zeitgeist of the Guido, none have completely wrapped their mind around the profundity of this question. Rather than attempt at what others have failed, we thought it better to lay down the agreed upon facts and our own individual findings and let you come to your own conclusions. After all, the Guido has a slightly different place in all of our hearts.
The Guido is primarily indigenous to StrongLong Island, however, researchers note that the New Jersey shore, Rhode Island and Massachusetts, also enjoy thriving Guido populations. Whether the Guido came about in a Lazarus-like autogenesis or started as a few blue-collared boys led astray, no one quite knows. What we do know is that with the advent of dance music, mainstream steroid use and the reality tv show “Growing up Gotti,” the population of this species has swelled and looks poised to continue healthy and sustained growth-rate into the future.
The StrongLong Island Guido resides almost entirely in Nassau County and the Five Towns. The preponderance of World Gym franchises, fake tanning salons and barbers willing to give a man a “blowout” haircut, make these locations a desirable habitat for the Guido. The importance of the Guido bouffant cannot be overlooked. Guidos don’t like sideburns, they frequently sport negative sideburns and a shaved neckline (”blowout”) in combination with a thin chin-strap of facial hair. Hair product use is common as is bird-shit -like coloring. The Guido’s mindset usually maintains that the shorter your hair, the tougher you are, however, many Guidos prefer a spiked dew, and in that case they generally apply a gallon of spluge and spike the front, top, side and rear of their head, creating a sonic-the-hedgehog or spiked helmet look.
In the summertime these creatures often migrate further east, and can be found lurking in the dark recesses of the Hamptons, such as the hamlets of East Quogue, HarlemHampton Bays and any mattress they can find north of montauk highway. The Guido’s mode of transportation is always leased and usually overcrowded. Due to their life prioritization structures of hard-partying first, it is difficult for them to obtain gainful employment and acquire meaningful assets. They are known for traveling light; men sporting only a fannypack for assorted stimulants, and women even less, a toothbrush and occasionally a tube of toothpaste.
The Guido’s diet consists mainly of Red Bull, Stacker 2 and a variety of other Met-Rx Supplements (which makes them very gassy). Their leisure time includes flexing, posing, going to the gym to work on their barstool bodies (i.e. blasting their bis and tris) and doing “loser laps” in their cars down main streets and cat-calling at girls.
Appearance is a religion for the Guido. Male forms often wax eyebrows, fake tan, and are often looking for any excuse to take off their shirts. The men are known to regularly try on two or three different outfits before going out, and the women about one or two. Fake boobs, butt implants, synthetic bodies and tattoos are expected. Bandanas, dew-rags, earrings, gum-chewing and sky-diving glasses during the night or day, are almost more common on men than women.
Having said all this, the best way to try defining the Guido is by understanding how the Guido defines himself…and that is how he parties. Some of their favorite watering holes in the summer include Neptunes in East Quogue, Canoe Place Inn, Foggey Goggle and of course Boardy Barn Sundays in Hampton Bays. At these mating grounds, you will see the Guido and the Guidette engaging in dance-offs, grunting, flexing and cackling discordantly. Much of what they learn in aerobics class and from pole-dancing, they bring to their recreational dancing. It is very athletic, and can best be described as an ecstasy-driven Dionysian release.
Be on the lookout for these creatures this summer. Although their temperament outside dancing can be moderate, they are prone to bouts of roid-rage and can be territorial, especially should the male Guidos come into contact with males of different species, namely the WASP, the Euro, and the Hipster. So don’t say we didn’t warn you, and enjoy!
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May 29, 2007 2:56am
Hands down, funniest post you have written
May 29, 2007 3:00am
this is spot on
you forgot to mention their mostly Italian descent. Saw a bunch of these guys outside penn station this morning
May 29, 2007 4:00am
“pictures speak a thousand words”
Not sure where you found that first photo but it is genius. This is really what they look like! Does anyone else ever catch a guido making fun of himself?! The girls are all skanks
May 29, 2007 5:15am
class
May 29, 2007 5:36am
“Whether the Guido came about in a Lazarus-like autogenesis or started as a few blue-collared boys led astray, no one quite knows”
ha. I’m guessing the latter. They were the blue collared boys that just couldn’t quite make it ivy league
May 29, 2007 6:03am
I want to know the percentage that are homosexuals
May 29, 2007 6:36am
I love the fake palm tree in the back! hahaah…what do they think it is Palm Beach or something?
May 30, 2007 6:54pm
guest of a guest, you are funny. super funny. my office really got a kick out of this today….
I am obsessed with the SF shuffle/gremlin dance/guido giddy-up. I am frozen in my tracks and must stare at the train wreck in progress. Great post!
June 4, 2007 1:24pm
LMAO0O0O0OO0O hands down the best description of these creatures hahaha
October 31, 2007 1:21pm
LOL, my mom is a Guido, i mean her last name is, she is nothing like that
November 26, 2007 1:21pm
OMG GUIDO HHAHAHHAHA
its so true its funny loll
December 6, 2007 1:20pm
lmaoooo, creatures… lmaooo
dont make fun of these niggas, their albanian, they’ll fuck u up… trust me kuz
December 14, 2007 1:19pm
do guido’s have to be named guido?
January 28, 2008 3:15pm
you forgot about queens (ozone park) and brooklyn (bensonhurst and bay ridge). and they all drive $50k cars (or want to) yet are still living with their parents when they are pushing 30.
February 17, 2008 2:06pm
ohh shuttt upp your all just jealous they get more girls then you’ll ever get PUHLEASE stop hatinnn
March 6, 2008 3:47pm
Keri = townie trash slut or purebred gina/guidette? What’s it like to fuck guys that are secretly thinking about their male friends biceps when they bone you? There’s a reason they get their pictures taken together with their faggot lips pursed like an 80s porn star’s.
December 9, 2008 5:35am
There has been a small outpost of guidos in New City, NY (Rockland County) at least since the mid 90’s. Blasting freestyle music while crusing Main St. for 14 year old girls was a popular activity of theirs. I think their demise came at the end of the decade with the rise of extacy and ketamine use along with roids and viagra.
i’ve often held sympathy for guidos, they’ve got a tough life to forge, all those cars they’ve got to wreck, all the buckets of hair gel they’ve got to buy, but then again i kind of feel sympathy for all those euros, wasps and hipsters, all those bars, banks, trucker hats they’ve got to wreck…..
January 30, 2009 12:19am
stop hating. everyones different. at least they take care of themselves