Weekly Run In With The Hamptons 5-0

by KRISTIN LUCIANO · July 6, 2009

[Photo by Dayfile] Unfortunately only one July 4th weekend police report has been publicly released so far. However, have no fear that once all the arrests and reports filed during the holiday weekend are released, we will be sure to report on the funniest of funny stories (our own editor had to file a police report on an unsafe cab driver). Until then, there is still plenty of hysterically amusing Hamptons police news that occurred in the week leading up to the holiday weekend. More stories below:

On June 26, an East Hampton woman who was caretaking of a home, went outside to discover a weather balloon in the backyard. She called police upon the discovery of this. The balloon interestingly enough came with instructions on how to return it to the National Weather service if found. It's a shame this return policy does not apply to humans. I can just see it know, you wake up to find a birthday suit wearing, passed out Hamptons clubber on your lawn, with a tag attached that says, if found please return to XYZ mansion. Happy Summer.

On June 27, a 55 year old woman from Sag Harbor called the police when a swan was attacking her BMW. Memo to the BMW owner: the police are to people as animal control are to animals. Therefore it would have made more sense to call the police if a deranged human was attacking your car, not a swan.

A Brooklyn father called the police after an unidentified person kept calling his "juvenile" daughter and making threats at her. The caller was someone who the girl met via the internet, whom she also told was older than she really was. Okay, so I am taking a wild guess here that this "juvenile" daughter has never seen an episode of To Catch A Predator.

Over the holiday weekend the Southampton Police made a total of 10 drug-related arrests. Ranging from possession of cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine, and marijuana. Surprise surprise, several of these arrests occurred at Neptune Beach Club in East Quogue, NY.