Southampton About To Get A Little More Jersey Shore

by BILLY GRAY · June 15, 2010

The American government will finally recognize Southampton's Shinnecock Indians as...Shinnecock Indians. Beyond making the tribe official in the federal government's eyes, the move clears the path for a local casino, which would bring a little bit of Atlantic City to the East End. What coastal "resort" town should the Hamptons emulate next? 

-

South Beach: Snooki, The Situation and the other ones might have bypassed the Hamptons in favor of Miami for season two of Jersey Shore (no, it doesn't make any sense). But all ties between the two beach havens needn't be severed. The Hamptons would certainly benefit from an infusion of architectural pizazz via some South Beach art deco and neon. (Shingles are so blah, right?) And everyone knows how hospitable Hamptonites are toward their minority staff members. What's stopping downtown Southampton from being the next Little Havana?

South Padre Island: God knows college kids in the Hamptons don't need more incentive to drink and drug it up on their summer breaks. But if MTV extended its abominable Spring Break special (which was often set on South Daddy Isle back when I could stomach watching it) to an entire season's worth of wet T-shirt contests and itinerant Jerry Springer smackdowns in, say, Amagansett, it would put even Jersey Shore's ratings to shame.

Brighton Beach: Reality television crews are about to disgrace another of the New York area's waterfront enclaves. But Brighton Beach will always have its charms. I think ubiquitous black leather jackets and bouffants would go over just swell on the likes of Christie Brinkley. Also, Water Millers could finally enjoy a trippy gypsy stage show with their caviar.

Ibiza: Cocaine, long the quintessential Hamptons narcotic, has gotten a bit too predictable a choice in recent years. Why not spice things up with an Ibiza-style ecstasy revival? Kate Moss is a big Ibiza fan. And it's saying something that Kate Moss would actually class up the current Hamptons celebrity scene.

Myrtle Beach: Like Myrtle Beach, the Hamptons are already chockablock with esteemed professional golf courses. Why not throw some kitschy, themed mini-golf putt-putts into the mix? Also, fireworks and water parks. Lots of water parks.

Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket: The Cape and, especially, its two satellite islands that are total pains in the ass to get to are often seen as the anti-Hamptons for classy (read: stuffy) people. There's no better way for the Hamptons to lose some of its current crass excess than adding a bit of New England reserve. Just not on the Shinnecock reservation.

Photo 3 via Seth Kushner/Brooklynites