Unless you have the luxury to helicopter it out east on Friday afternoon, or have the patience to deal with the train, the good ol' Hampton Shitney ends up being the easiest way of getting out to the East End. Worse than the body odor and the cell phone perpetrators are a few other scary characters you can find along your ride.
I am not a big girl. Coming in at 5'4'' (5'5'' on a good day) I ask very little as far as leg room is concerned. It is for this reason exactly that when the 6'7'' beast enters the bus his eyes dart over to me. In a panic, I do what we all do, the no eye contact move. Isn't it funny how almost instinctively we feel that if we do not look at the people entering the Jitney they will not feel entitled to sit down? This move, however does nothing on a Friday night Jitney. Listen bro, I get that you need leg room, but make use of the aisle! Is it really necessary to sit spread eagle with your leg forcing me against the window? There is a big difference between being large and just being rude.
Move over, this guy is gonna need a lot of YOUR leg room. [photo via]
The Gangly Hipster
Even worse than the Giant Jitney partner is the Gangly Hipster, who in their "I'm free" way manage to take up just as much space as the Giant, but in a more obnoxious manner. These are the girls who are no more than 110 pounds but alternate their leg positioning from indian style (forcing their pointy knee caps into the side of you), sitting on their feet (which are shoeless) to an over exaggerated leg cross, and then continue this cycle throughout the entire journey. The legs are one thing, but the hair playing is a whole different sort of annoyance. These people pride themselves on not giving a shit, yet they spend a whole lot of time touching themselves. Single braid, double braid, high tight bun, low loose bun, double buns... no wonder their hair is always so damn greasy when roaming around the Hamptons they spend the last 3 hours touching it!
The Preppy Bimbo
It is bad enough that I have your heinous Lily Pulitzer print in my peripheral vision for the next 3 hours of my life, now can you please get your hideous 19 Vera Bradley travel bags out of my face. Like, common is it really beneficial to carry your lip gloss in a different make-up bag than your mascara? And for what reason? So you can show me just how many of these disgusting bags you own? I don't care, and the rest of the bus doesn't care either. You know what we do care about? The fact that we have to listen to you zip and unzip these bags over and over in between you constantly getting up and down to get various belongings.
Yeah I am going away for three days, so??? [photo via]
The iPad Douche
There is a right way and a wrong way to control your iPad. If you swiping your screen to flip through your pictures means that your finger is flying over into my air space, you are an iPad douche user. There is no need to give yourself a sore wrist when operating a touch screen device.
The Music Monster
We all have very different tastes in music. If I wanted to hear what was on your iPod, I would ask you what is on your iPod. You know who these people are, their volume is so high that everybody on the bus can hear the Glee album on repeat for the whole trip. Seriously? "Don't Stop Believing?" That this is a great way to make the entire bus hate you.
Sitting on a Jitney with one of these music junkies can leave you feeling a lot like our little friend here. MAKE IT STOP! [photo via]
The Food Beast
If I can guess what you are eating by your chomping, we are in trouble. Close your mouth. Nobody wants to hear the peanut butter sticking against the roof of your mouth, or the granola stuck in between your teeth- it is disgusting and offensive. If you can't eat your trail mix like a respectable human being than wait until you get off the bus. You are one hair dye away from looking like this guy in the eyes of your fellow travelers when you chew like a disgusting animal. [photo via]
The Pick-Up Artist
It is as though some dudes just ride the Jitney to try to pick up chicks and make plans for their weekend. Unfortunately for us, these people are never the sexy Jitney riders. Their move usually starts off with pointing out the obvious, something like, "Wow hot it is out there!" or "Busy time to travel, huh?" Other times they just jump right into it with, "So, where are you off to?" Really? Where do you think I am off too? There is a big difference between being a friendly passenger and just annoying people. These pick up artists do not stop or get the hint. They will continue trying to get your attention and make plans throughout the entire ride.
"I am going to be getting off in West Hampton, where are you going?" [Photo via]