What NOT To Write In Your Cover Letter

by TIFFANY ETESSAMI · May 7, 2010

A word to the wise - the following email incorporates everything you should not tell a potential future employer. Hopefully, everyone can learn from this person's mistakes!

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Ms. Rachelle Hruska,

If there is one thing you should know right off the bat, it's that I will do any thing to succeed. In high school, I was the kid who had it all: homecoming king, lead in the play, was on varsity cross country, the student rep on the planning commission, valedictorian...nothing could get in my way.

It's all well and good that you were valedictorian, an athlete, play lead and homecoming king  but the "nothing could get in my way" makes us wary of what's inevitably coming up.

Coming down to the last few months of high school, the time was approaching where the valedictorian was to be announced. This isn't as honorable of a tradition as it once was, with about ten kids still retaining a 4.0 GPA. But with this honor came the opportunity to speak in front of hundreds. Being one who wouldn't just let things go to the undeserving, plans were put in place to take out the problem children who still had such good grades one by one.

Can't wait to hear all about your evil plan to take out all of the "problem children" with 97 averages - they truly sound like monsters. You're coming across as very charming so far, by the way!

So I started dating a girl with good grades and found other people willing to take on the task of courting the rest of the nerds in the "Top Ten". This was all part of the plan. These girls were used to an empty social life, so they filled their time with homework and studying. Never being one to be caught with a book open but still having the ability to pull off good grades, there wasn't that much change in my life, but to them, their lives were slowly deteriorating. Their grades crumbled under the weight of our relationship. I fed them believable but completely bogus interpretations of poetry, gave wrong answers when it came to redos, and going on dates that would leave even the most energetic soul exhausted.

Can we just reiterate how cool you are?! Those losers who you used weren't used to such a hectic social life, but you could handle it. After all, you were "never one to be caught with a book open", but still managed to pull off good grades. How ever did you do it?!!

Some people may see this plan as devious and deceitful, but it is completely justifiable. Did those brats take the same AP classes I did, suffering alone? No. Did they have to try year after year to get into the classes they needed to actually be prepared to enter an Ivy League education? Never. Having been through the wringer on my own, at least I was there to ease the fall when they did in fact lose their perfect grades that they worked so hard to get and retain over 4 years. I was on top.

If you have to say that your plan is justifiable, it probably isn't.

Was I fabulously wealthy? Not exactly, but I imagine the feeling of being unstoppable is the same feeling to be felt if I was. The works that Guest of a Guest does is not looked highly upon by portions of our society, but this is foolishness. Everyone needs either an escape or to have some idea of what's going on in the world. If there was an opportunity afforded to me to work for this organization, I would be forever grateful. X

Thanks for the admiration, but who's to say that you won't ditch "this organization" if something better comes along? After all, you always need to be "on top". Buddy, for future reference, the way to land a job is not by showing your flair for hatching up evil plans and admitting you're willing to back-stab if you need to. Good luck in all future endeavors, but it's safe to assume you won't be working at GofG this summer!