"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Osama's Dead, Let's Celebrate!

by Alex Gilman · May 2, 2011

In the turmoil of modern American politics, it is a rare day when people of all ideologies can come together to celebrate a military action that is universally justifiable and makes us all safer. But yesterday was that rare day, as President Obama revealed that we had finally brought justice to Osama bin Laden. I assume Americans of all views greeted this historic news as a moment of sober catharsis and somber reflection on the emotional, political and human damage done in the name of war over the last 10 years, right?

Just kidding! Obviously, we hit the streets as if we had just come from behind against al Qaeda's basketball team on a buzzer beating 3-pointer. Let's take a look!

In front of the White House, a jubilant sea of flag-wavers seemed all too eager to whoop it up, climbing trees, singing the National Anthem, and generally disregarding the fact that it was 11 pm on a Sunday and Sasha and Malia had school this morning.

And where were the bros for all of this? Well, that's a silly question:

Yep, I'm guessing there's not an unclaimed keg of Natty Ice left within a 100-mile radius of any Greek Row in the country. After all, fratboys and faux patriotism go together like roofies and appletinis, or rooftops and doin' it, so clearly our nation's drunkest were at the center of the celebration. I heard the USC Kappa Sigma chapter is even considering lifting their ban on hooking up with women of Middle Eastern descent. Lucky ladies!

Our friend in the soccer jersey was last spotted after the World Cup loss to Ghana, dejectedly walking away from Busby's in the Charlie Brown "depressed stance." Though we're happy he again has something to cheer about, we really wish that he might have washed the jersey between now and then.

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but Uncle Sam's son is kind of a dipshit.

I'd like to think that this guy, like most of us, was settling in for a downbeat Sunday evening, maybe queuing up old episodes of "Cheers" on Netflix or considering taking another crack at that Robert Moses biography he's been trying to get through for a while, when all of a sudden he hears the news about Osama. And, tired though he may have been, despite a big presentation he knew he had to give Monday morning, he realized something important: there were going to be a bunch of people in the streets, and he owns an American flag bodysuit. This wasn't just an opportunity, it was a call to duty. If that's not American Exceptionalism, I don't know what is.

[photos via]