For the last week, the continent has watched in schadenfreude-induced delight as one of its biggest stars collapses in on itself in a booze and drug soaked, anti-semitic, batshit insane meltdown. Oh, wait! We'd better be more specific! Because that describes both self-proclaimed warlock Charlie Sheen and mustache enthusiast John Galliano!
So why haven't we given these two a show together yet?
Seriously, though, with both of these meltdowns happening in almost complete synchronicity, it's amazing that more people aren't examining them as possibly related phenomena.
Both are extraordinarily successful at their chosen, entertainment-related field at relatively young ages.
Both have exhibited extremely poor judgment when it comes to mustaches.
And given the time difference, it may have only been minutes after Galliano's now infamous "I love Hitler" rant in Paris when Charlie, in Beverly Hills, sent his soon-to-be-infamous "stoopid jew pig" text message.
But just as we had to teach Europe a thing or two about continental breakfast and taxation without representation, so too does Charlie have a few extra lessons for John G. You see, when caught on videotape (more than once!) proclaiming his love for Hitler and admonishing a presumably Jewish couple that they "would have been gassed," ol' John figured the game was up and went straight to rehab, neither passing Go nor collecting $200. And in a pre-Charlie Sheen world, that makes a degree of sense. From "family values" Republican Congressmen caught sending sexy texts to underage Page boys, to golf superstars with hoes in different area codes, rehab has long been the catch-all first response to public disgrace, regardless of the role addiction may or may not have played in the original controversy.
So John, if you're reading this, here's my advice: move in with Charlie Sheen. He's got no show, and Social Services just took his kids away, so you know he doesn't have anything else to do. In the comfort of his home, a.k.a. The Sober Valley Lodge, you will learn a tranquility and self-acceptance that you've never known before. More importantly, you will learn how to win. How to pump Tiger Blood through your veins. How to put your enemies, Jewish or otherwise, in the octagon, and beat them down with your sheer force of will. Hell, bring Mel Gibson with you.
Just make sure you let the reality cameras in there, too. We can even keep calling it "Two And A Half Men".