Remember how in elementary school and middle school it was mandated that you give out valentines to everybody? Even the nasty skanks and mouth breathers you hated? Me too. But you still found ways to slight them, right? By giving them a Squidward valentine if you got Spongebob-themed ones or by just signing your name on theirs while giving everyone else a personalized message? Or was I the only 9 year old who was totally petty?
Anyways, Kim Kardashian is bringing that trend back, and I LOVE IT.
As you may have heard by now, Kim has come out with a perfume. Celebrity perfumes are never that cool, but Kim's latest scents have been getting a ton of PR because of the press kit they're delivered in!
Thank you @kimkardashian for the much needed therapy session today #kimoji #kkwfragrance 💘💘💘
A post shared by Jenna Rennert (@itsjennarennert) on
How can our girl make things more epic and more delicious than sending copious amounts of candy (even if some of that candy is disgusting candy hearts...)?
By not only sending her haters these press kits turned valentines, but by posting the list of her haters as well. Bask in the list's glory with me, won't you? (The blue column shows her haters, FYI.)
As someone who loves the Kardashians SO much that I once got stranded in Vegas because I couldn't afford to get to the airport as I had spent several hundred dollars at Kardashian Khaos the night before, this list is EVERYTHING to me. I have SO MANY THOUGHTS.
1. Jonathan Cheban isn't on here. He probably needs a stronger scent than one of these to drown out the fact that he reeks already since he's always up Kim's ass. Might I suggest a combination of bleach and cyanide, Jonathan Cheban?
2. Sharon Osbourne, Chloe Grace Moretz, Bette Midler, and Sarah Michelle Gellar probably won't care that much about this. I really don't think these women are that emotionally invested. Pink, Wendy Williams, Chelsea Handler, and Naya Rivera would actually probably find it a little funny.
3. I think Janice Dickinson is dead (???)
4. Blac Chyna is probably not the best person to be petty with considering all the legal drama she has with Kim's brother (it's obvious Chyna was abusive to Rob just like he was abusive to her, guys).
5. Please don't pay Piers Morgan any attention. This is a bad idea. He gets off on things like this. He's more than a hater. He is incredibly disgusting and racist. Bad idea to give him any sort of acknowledgement.
6. Since Kim leaked that Taylor audio, she hasn't thrown any shade at Taylor at all. It's been years. Taylor released an album almost entirely devoted to how much she hates Kimye and Kim remained unmoved, and I honestly think it's because Kim did not care. I mean, she got robbed at gunpoint, had another kid, her husband went through some issues with his mental health, and she expanded her business empire even more...so I really think she's moved on. I mean, writers and singers take petty shots at those who wronged them from time to time (LOL I've done it a couple of times). But Taylor has made her entire career about how much others have wronged her. So this will KILL Taylor.
7. I have to side-eye the lovers and friends columns. Look guys, I don't believe Kim leaked her own sex tape. I don't believe Kim married Kris Humphries for publicity. I don't believe in a lot of conspiracy theories that cloud the Kardashian family. I don't think they're as phony as people make them out to be. BUT, I side-eye anyone who claims that they have more than, like, five close friends. I'm not talking drinking buddies, friends of friends that you never got around to hanging out with one on one, or girlfriends you go to workout classes with. I'm talking friends that are near and dear enough to send cards to.
The only girls I know who are out of high school and have tons of friends that they send cards to around the holidays make the whole "having friends" thing a pissing contest to show off how much clout they have. And these girls are usually - you guessed it - extremely immature, delusional, and petty. Kim's already been open about being petty, but I really didn't think she's that immature and delusional. I thought she was a brilliant, otherworldly, flawless goddess who was incapable of any sort of deviation from a moral path. Is that giving Kim too much credit? No, not really because she's fucking perfect. So saying these people are her friends is definitely a publicity stunt. Although they've called off their feud, she and Paris definitely don't hang out at all anymore, they simply exchange social media niceties. And let's not pretend that Paris isn't still bitter about Kim thriving more than she ever did. And Kim was just a huge bitch to Lindsay Lohan, like, mere days ago. Anna Wintour is a business relationship. I honestly don't think Mariah Carey is capable of having a friendship of substance because she is that far gone. I've been actively watching the Kardashians' every move for over a decade, and I can assure you that she's not good friends with a lot of these "lovers." Shameful move, Kim. Shameful.
[Photo via @kkwfragrance]