Wheww. Reading Vogue's profile piece on March cover girl Lady Gaga was quite an emotional roller coaster. One minute we want to barf from the author's unctuous, bull-ridden prose we have difficulty believing aren't a joke, the next we're simply stunned at Gaga's gall and self-righteousness, and then seconds later impressed by her dedication to her image and career—something she herself will remind us of at any opportunity or whenever there's a beat of dead air she can suck dry. Consistent with her persona, the whole article was riddled with highs and lows of WTF moments. To save your lunch you the trouble of reading the whole article like we did, consider this the CliffsNotes version of all the highlights and parts that matter, and of course the pictures shot by Mario Testino. Okay, here we go...
Highlights From The Author's Take:
He says Lady Gaga has single-handedly revived the long forgotten art of making an entrance and discusses its virtues.
We are wrong; that affected diction that we all think is a fake English accent à la Madonna is not a pretension, but a byproduct of her prestigious prep school education. Because that's just what happens when you go to the all-girls private school where Gloria Vanderbilt went in Manhattan. Yeah, he wrote that.
After arriving an hour late to meet with the author backstage, Gaga orders enough filet mignon to feed 12 people for just the two of them when the Mars candy bars weren't cutting it.
Highlights From Gaga's Camp:
While being a hammy diva backstage, she introduces the author to Luc, her boyfriend, in a way we imagine was as if she was performing in a school play. Her boyfriend just looks at her and replies "OK Bette Midler" [snort!].
Her producer thinks her upcoming album that holds her new single "Born This Way" is the Thriller of the 21st century. Yup, he said that.
Highlights From Gaga:
Under the assumption that the whole world not only pays attention to her, but also gives two shits about what she does, she says of her makeup for the "Born This Way" video: "The whole world is going to hate it in the best kind of way." See, there's a global emotional investment in her art.
Despite the fact that a severe snowstorm had shut down half of Europe before she was supposed to perform in Paris, Gaga refused to accept that her show was canceled and took her case all the way to President Sarkozy.
Here's what she had to say about the time she performed through a bout of food poisoning during a show in London:
"I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. You will not vomit onstage. Because I was also thinking, If I do, they are going to think I'm drunk. And I don't want them to think I am human, let alone drunk. I certainly wouldn't want them to think I had something so ordinary as food poisoning."
This one is for the books; here's what she had to say about herself:
"I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn’t say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do... I think it's OK to be confident in yourself."
[All photos by Mario Testino for Vogue via]