Top Five Greatest Moments In Inappropriate Celebrity Touching

by Alex Gilman · June 6, 2011

I happened to miss the MTV Movie Awards last night, mainly because I'm not 16 years old. But maybe I should have watched, because apparently National Folk Hero Justin Timberlake added yet another bullet point to his resume by openly groping Friends With Benefits co-star Mila Kunis on television. And although it was a completely engineered stunt without even 1/4 of the natural passion that shone through when that vampire went down on that werewolf, it still got me thinking about all the wonderful groping that goes down in the filthy cesspool that is Hollywood on a daily basis. So let's count down some of the best celebrity bad touch photos with a little help from our good pal JT.

Herein, our Top 5 instances in inappropriate celebrity touching, as ranked on a scale from 1-5 according to Justin Timberlake's infamous revelation of Janet Jackson's breast in the premeditated "wardrobe malfunction" of the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show:

1. Brian Urlacher Goes For The Swim Move

As the leading tackler in Chicago Bears history, Brian Urlacher knows a thing or two about how to play aggressive, physical defense. And seeing as how they say the best defense is a good offense, you can say that the seven-time Pro Bowler was simply playing to win when he executed this textbook boob-grab on a spherically-gifted young lady, who was later identified as a contestant on VH1's extremely classy dating show, "Rock Of Love". But despite her off-the-charts skankitude, Urlacher has nothing new to worry about: having previously been linked with Paris Hilton, he's more likely to give a disease than to receive one. And if you know anything about football, you know that they never cancel a game just because the field is in bad condition. Play on.

Rating (out of 5 Wardrobe Malfunctions):

[photo via]

2. Clay Aiken Doesn't Even Feel A Thing

Some celebrity groping photos are hilarious because they reveal our stars to be the leering, horny pervballs that we already suspected they were. But it can be equally hilarious when the celebrity in question is so completely gay that they might as well be holding up a pair of stuffed animals. Which, for all we know, is what's inside this American Idol makeup artist's shirt. I think the point is, it wouldn't really make a difference to Clay Aiken. But more importantly, I'll bet this photo still pissed off Simon Cowell, who was romantically linked to the woman in question. And isn't that what really matters? Well done, Clay. Well done.

Rating:

[photo via]

3. Justin Timberlake Gets The Reacharound

If we've learned anything from these photos so far, it's that your standard boob grab is not particularly difficult. No, in order to really impress the connoisseurs of celebrity sleaze, you've got to venture into the truly naughty areas, which is what makes Mila Kunis' reciprocation on Timbo last night such a treat. The setup to this grab-a-thon was a joke that Justin and Mila can get away with this because in reality, they're completely platonic. And while this has all the logic of claiming that it's okay to murder somebody if you're a pacifist, Mila's glassy stare really does indicate that JT's junk holds no appeal whatsoever for her. And though Justin's reputation suggests that this is unlikely, we can also see in the photo that Mila doesn't exactly need her whole hand to cop this particular feelski. So maybe she knows something we don't know.

Rating:

[photo via]

4. Katherine Heigl is Attacked by a Martial Arts Walrus

Oh, no, wait, that's Steven Seagal. Honest mistake, though, given how the Aikido master and aspiring actor has ballooned up over the years. I guess he really wanted to be taken seriously as a cop? Anyway, who here remembers that before he started spending his paychecks on Peanut Butter M&M's, he starred in a sequel to modern naval classic Under Siege, which was creatively titled Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? And who else remembers that in Under Siege 2, the role of his estranged niece was played by a then-unknown Katherine Heigl? All of this is just a buildup to explain how this amazing photograph, with Seagal laying his hand across her boob as if he were reading her fortune, came to be.

And then contemplate this: not only was this picture taken at a time when Steven Seagal was so much more famous than Katherine Heigl that he was able to get away with this, but it was also taken at a time when Katherine Heigl's breasts were larger than Steven Seagal's. If this picture were taken today, it would be the complete opposite in every way.

Rating:

[photo via]

5. CHEWBACCA USES (THE) FORCE

There's a famous scene in Star Wars where Han Solo advises the droids to let Chewbacca win the game of holographic chess they're playing, because Wookies "are known to pull arms out of their sockets when they lose." By this same logic, I'm thinking that despite overwhelming photographic evidence that Chewie is moving in on his girl, Han may want to keep his freaking mouth shut. As for Carrie Fisher's reaction, when she said she was into men with some hair on their chests, she probably was thinking more along the lines of, say, a Greek or Italian guy. But even Obi-Wan Kenobi can't help you now, Princess. When a Wookie wants to grab some boobs, he grabs some boobs. RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWWWWGHHHHHHHHH!!!

Rating:

[photo via]