"Don't Spank A Police Horse": St. Patrick's Day Do's And Don'ts

DO Keep Your Genitals To Yourself

Fellows, unless you're a male stripper or a Congressman, strangers do not want to see your penis. You're going to have to trust me on this one. I know, after a gallon of green beer, it may seem like people want you to see if your Irish eye is smiling, but they do not. Therefore, for our mental safety and your legal safety, we strongly encourage you to put your dick away. Cool? Ladies, strangers do actually want to see your boobs. On the other hand, you should probably be skeptical about showing them to strangers. I don't have the numbers in front of me, but I'm fairly willing to wager that the venn diagram of women who expose themselves to crowds of drunk people and women whose parents are proud of them shows very little overlap, and what little exists is likely due to the fact that Alex Rodriguez is a father. Sure, you might get some beads, but those beads will serve as an ever-present physical reminder of your deep shame. And they're a choking hazard. Just don't.