Watching the premiere of "Jersey Shore" last week, it was difficult not to think of an aged Matt Damon standing on the shore at the end of Saving Private Ryan, reliving an emotionally wrought experience. But at least when Matt Damon was finally able to return to Normandy, nobody put a rifle in his wizened hands and asked him to do the whole thing over again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, these guidos are the real heroes. And how did our heroes do this week?
Well, as Emily pointed out last week, the true currency of "Jersey Shore" is the quotables, those nuggets of innocent wisdom so shockingly profound that they make the home viewer scramble for the 10-second-back button on the DVR just so you can be sure that it really came out of the mouth of an actual human being. Like a true ensemble cast, whether it's Broadway, Shakespeare-in-the-round, or a championship basketball team, on any given night, a different cast member will have the opportunity to shine. So let's break down the winners and losers of this week's episode by judging their choicest quotes, and maybe learn something about the human condition in the process:
8. The Situation
Poor "Sitch" didn't have a whole lot to do in this week's escapades, mostly due to the fact that nobody really wanted to listen to him. When you try to play Daddy to a household of your friends, as Sitch often does, your only chance of being effective is if you're able to really take charge not when everything is going well, but in times of turmoil. Well, turmoil arrived in the form of Ronnie and Sammi seceding from the Union, and Sitch, like George McClellan, proved himself woefully unable to handle the ensuing battle.
Worse still, he discovered that when you lose your authority, you lose everything, as former runt-of-the-litter Vinny actually won out in a "2 Guidos, 1 Slut" standoff, locking himself and the eager beaver in the Smush Room and leaving a forlorn Mike to plead at the door, and even attempt to bargain for a piece of the action with this gem:
Situation: "We could have shot straws... rock paper scissors..."
Sorry, Sitch, but you were the least interesting this week. Even Ronnie got a Xenadrine commercial. I give The Situation one more week before he realizes he's actually not too good for Deena, leading to what will surely be the most breathtakingly awful hookup in the history of the program.
How did the man who invented Ron-Ron Juice become the least interesting ongoing character on this show? Oh wait, I know: by discovering that his new-found fame brought him unlimited access to groupies, turning his girlfriend into the emotional equivalent of a flattened squirrel on I-495, and then bizarrely clinging to the relationship while he not-so-secretly pines for the bromance shared by the other three males in the house. I guess that's probably how.
And the beat goes on in this episode, where we got the thrill of Ronnie attending church, lifting weights, following a GPS, and- hold onto your hats- ordering a chicken and broccoli rabe sandwich!!! But there's a little light at the end of the tunnel, Ron-Ron fans: a trip to the boardwalk begins to reawaken the beast within, leading to a somewhat blah argument with Sammi where he mispronounces the word "ask" about 3,000 times:
Ronnie: "You axed me for a question, I got your answer. If you don't like the answer, don't axe the fucking question."
Ronnie, you sly fox! Was that a James Joyce quote?
See above. The "sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" has been more like "the saddest, neediest emotional black hole you'll ever meet" over the last season and a half. Still, she had this to say about the feud that she 100% created and perpetuated:
Sammi: "I don't like JWoww, I'm not a fan of Snooki, I don't know who this new girl is... it was like me against the three fucking trash bags of the house, that's how I felt."
Easy there, big fella! Don't you know "trash bags" is a loaded term in a house that used to contain the dreaded Angelina?
Sure, she didn't do much after the beginning fight. But sometimes a picture says a thousand words.
JWoww: "It's gonna be an interesting fucking summer."
Plus, she gave us another moment of pure comedy when she drunk-dialed her long suffering boyfriend Tom to complain about losing some bedazzled bracelet of hers, only to have the whole play backfire when it turned out she had completely blanked on their anniversary.
On a side note, who the hell is this Tom character, and how low is his self-esteem that he hasn't bailed on this relationship yet? It didn't even take one episode for her to experience the glory that is Pauly D's pierced penis, she consistently dresses as if the producers are paying her in cocaine, and, on a more fundamental level, she is a cast member of a television show where her primary objective is to get drunk in nightclubs. She's like Tara Reid without even the pretense of an acting career, and yet this sap is still right there with her, sulking from the sidelines. Does MTV give him a dental plan or something?
[All photos via MTV]