Celebs Help You Win Post-Breakup Suckage In 7 Easy Steps

by SUSANNAH LONG · April 29, 2010

So the Post dutifully reports that Paris Hilton ignored Doug Reinhardt at My Studio, seemingly implying that this is unusual or petulant or otherwise questionable behavior. No! Paris is doing it right! And here's why:-

Breaking up is rough. If it were easy to do, then Neil Sedaka would've sung, If you go then I'll be really okay/Cause breaking up isn't a big deal. Paris's strategy - dance with your girlfriends on the other side of the club while Doug hangs with his new blonde girl on the other - works just fine.

Are you yourself mourning the loss of your favorite foot masseuse/emotional crutch/purpose for existence? Follow these celeb/socialite precedents (and avoid their missteps) to ride it out until you get over someone old by getting under someone new.


Erase your ex from your phone and interblag accounts. The prolonged Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson rock'em socke'em robot throwdown has proved that a clean break is vital.


Hack into your replacement's voicemail. (Congrats on your plea deal, Ali Wise!)

[Photo Courtesy of FoxNews]


Adopt a secret baby. We all know now that Sandra Bullock did this, and it's kind of brilliant. Not only is this life-affirming, a testament to the enduring power of maternal love, etc. etc., it's also an awesomely time-consuming project AND a way to get the cuddliest, most devoted man in your life ever.


Fake a pregnancy and a then tweet about it. We still don't buy Tila Tequila's confusing I'm-pregnant-with-my-brother's-baby-oh-wait-it's-the-spawn-of-a-rapper-with-a-bad-news-'stache saga. Although we're sorry she was hurting over Casey Johnson.

(ps: the first google result for "Fake Pregnancy" is WikiHow's helpful how-to article on the subject. Now we have Christmas plans!)


Say nice things about your ex. Sandy B generously called that horrible man who cheated on her with the most lethargic stripper in the world - we shan't say his name! We shan't! - a good and loving father. And Bruce Willis, one half of the Best Divorced Couple In The World, has been quoted as saying “Demi is the mother of my children and Ashton is the stepfather of my children. I’m thrilled that Ashton turned out to be such a great guy." Class never goes out of style.


Go overboard with the compliments. Need we remind you of John Mayer's "Joshua Tree of vaginas" statement. If he'd said Jessica Simpson had a molerat face, it would've been only slightly more insulting.

And one final Don't for the road:

A rarely-done but excellent "Do," courtesy of Tricia Walsh-Smith. It's the "Pineapple Dance Studio Finale."


Use modes of media as modes of revenge. Tricia Walsh-Smith (youtube), Lindz/The Gosselins & Co. (twitter), and Everyone With A Famous Lover (sex tapes the world over) have sullied the good name of the technology. For this, we will never forgive them. Technology is for toasters that talk to you and breasts that shoot lasers, not for petty squabbles.