Doesn't anyone just drink a can of beer anymore? Of course not. There's yet another ingenious product to disguise how much booze you've imbibed. First there was Four Loko, then Whipahol, and now, AdultBeverage Company is loading up your childhood favorites with vodka. This ain't your kiddies juice box! Ginuwine drinks it!
The concept was pioneered by chance by California mom, Tracy Reinhardt, who tarted up her 2% one random evening and decided it was delicious. This being an experience truly worthy of mass knowledge, she logged on to Facebook immediately to status update her scrumptious invention of "Adult Chocolate Milk." According to the company's web site, the response from friends was overwhelming with many "inquiring about the recipe," which surely (it's a secret, so we are guessing) includes some sort of scientific, precise and math-genius-difficult measuring formula when combing Quick with whatever cheap bottle of booze happens to be in your cupboard. When another friend of Tracey's saw how much interest was generated, they jumped on board to create the Adult Beverage Co.
While 'Retaste your youth at 40 proof,' was formerly just a forlorn descriptor used by sad adults when looking back at their younger years as a depressed alcoholic teen from a broken family, Reinhart and company have re-branded it as something so much happier. It's like being at recess all over again, but better! This time, your playground is the bar and your pink, plastic Barbie thermal mug is full of Tequila. Truly, memories of more innocent times have never tasted this good. Go ahead and take the Milk Challenge and see if you can overcome that sick feeling indulging in too much nostalgia can bring on.
Right now, Adult Chocolate Milk is the only flavor on sale, but the following are coming soon: Adult Orange Cream, Adult Fruit Punch and Adult Limeade. It's available at Costco and online. The price of not having to mix your own liquor and dairy product costs just $23.99. You can spare the money. Being a grown-up means working for a living so you can buy pointless, purposeless shit like this.
In case you are not sold by the product itself, perhaps you will be swayed by celebrity endorsement? They've got Ginuwine. He'll ride it, this pony. Adult Bros Milking Adult Bros, coming any day now, is sure to take off.
Print this out and hanging it in your adult locker, aka your soul sucking cubicle. It will make you laugh for at least a week, right? Or give this to the host of the next party you go to. You could have brought a bottle of Adult Chocolate Milk, but this is better.