New York Is Full of Things That Can Kill You

by SUSANNAH LONG · April 6, 2010

Now that we've been reminded to watch out for gangs rampaging with guns on Easter in heavily trafficked tourist destinations, it's time to make a list of other crap to steer clear of. At the top of the list? Children.-

[Photo courtesy of the NYT

Sure, there were no serious injuries from Sunday night's gang cavalcade, but no one wants to get a bullet or pellet through the elbow/thigh/purse in which a miniature dachshund is riding. Be careful out there, readers. And if you're not sure what to steer clear of, we have some suggestions.

1. Children.

Part of the reason is that children have parents. And parents, especially New York Parents, are crazy. It doesn't even matter how old the kid is:

Babyhood - Parents bring their babies to bars, which is so not what bars are for.

Little Kids - Parents spy on everyone, as I Saw Your Nanny teaches us. Then the parents engage in weird fights and sing-song mockingly at one another - especially in Park Slope. The little kids themselves pee on things, and say maudlin things that make it into Metropolitan Diary.

Medium-Sized Kids - Middle schoolers wear glitter make-up, which in itself is horrifying.

Big Kids - Um, they rampage with guns on Easter in heavily trafficked tourist destinations. Clearly. And then they do this:

Children just may make you throw up until you die.

2. Bicyclists.

They are the Anton Chigurh of life in New York. Last night an SUV driver plunged off a highway overpass near Mount Vernon East and landed on the Metro North train track, narrowly avoiding FOUR electrified rails; her rescuer narrowly avoided getting hit by a train. The catalyst for the accident? A bicyclist whom the DUV driver swerved to avoid. If you see a bicyclist, run in the opposite direction. If you are in your car and you see a bicyclist, stop driving your car and continue on foot, so that you can run in the opposite direction. If you ride a bike, stop. You can pretend-ride your bike by lying on your bed and circling your legs in the air. You'll like it.

The bright blue should serve as a warning, like the bright colors on toxic frogs do.

[Photo from VirtualTourist]

Also, don't intentionally antagonize bicyclists, especially if they are in packs, for they are like slavering wolves. Wolves with lawyers. NYC was just ordered to pay 98,000 dollars to a group of Critical Mass cyclists who were harassed and assaulted during an '07 ride.

[Photo courtesy of NYT]

You might think that they're easy pickings because they wear tight shorts and name their vehicles things like "Rainbow Love" and "Dennis Kucinich," but bicyclists are not to be trifled with. And for god's sake, don't do this:

You will be crucified.

3. Falling Objects.

Trees. Light poles. Macy's Day Balloons. Panes of glass. Eggs that people throw off of buildings.  Ventilation ducts while you're sitting in the audience of Patti Lupone's Gypsy, minding your own business. Lots and lots of other things, as NYT commenters want you to know. We suggest you wear this:

Thanks, Karl Lagerfeld.

[Photo from NYMag]

Or, better yet, this:

Eh, don't bother. It'll probably just fall off of the truck and crush you. If you live in New York, you're going to get squashed. (Thanks, bicyclists, for giving us the helmet idea. Sorry we said mean things about you a couple lines back.)

4. Restaurants.

Cut lettuce and seafood out of your diet, because they're the most common restaurant foods to give you food poisoning. And don't go near those giant inflatable rats that pro-union protesters put outside of restaurants, because they will, predictably, fall on you and smother you.

[Photo from Material World]

5. Jules Kirby.

She's stronger than she looks. And she appears to have powerful strangle-hands.