Christina Aguilera Revives Boring, Manufactured Slut Persona

by BILLY GRAY · May 19, 2010

Poor Christina Aguilera. Despite one of modern pop's stronger vocal capabilities, she's never stood out on talent alone. Aguilera often plays catchup to less gifted but flashier (or messier) peers. And she's doing it again, talking about her love of dick (not Clark) and, ZZZZZZZZZZ-alert, latent bisexuality.

Let's review Christina's career evolution and poorly disguised mimicry:

Britney with a Voice Christina: Aguilera distinguished herself from the late '90s stampede of teen singers--Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore and, who could ever forget, Willa Ford--by actually being able to sing. Unfortunately, she squandered her undeniable talent on claptrap like "Genie in a Bottle" and "What a Girl Wants." But these were the heady days of Orlando-made bubblegum, when it briefly seemed de rigueur for new albums to sell 1+ million copies in their first week. Aguilera was a star!

Slutty Britney with Assless Chaps (at a Plushy Convention) Christina: Yes, there was a time when people took Britney's claims of virginity seriously. But not Christina, who never bothered to deny an active sex life or defend herself against the raging meth-fueled orgies you know went on backstage at the Mickey Mouse Club. (I'm looking at you, Gosling.) Anyway, Christina's regrettable Xtina phase climaxed with this:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kaej4Wjkj1Q[/youtube]

Britney with Sanity Intact Christina: After taking a long bath in industrial-strength bleach, Christina dropped her Xtina alter ego off at the free clinic, got hitched and had a baby. As we all know, Britney underwent a similar domestication. But Christina managed to pull it off without a subsequent divorce and nasty custody battle or attempting to bring back the skinhead look.

Class Act Christina: Christina finally struck out on her own and went for a refined version of...herself. We know this because her 2006 album was titled "Back to Basics." At this point the ghost of  Xtina had been donated to a lab where scientists worked on a syphilis preventative. Christina was so classy that she sang (powerfully) at a Haiti benefit wearing an outfit that might have been pulled from the nearest Talbots.

Lady Gaga Christina: Christina's next album is called "Bionic" and it comes out June 8th. The promotional push included a staid appearance on Oprah. But then there was a depressing Out cover story. Did you know Christina is attracted to women?

She is, saying:

"My husband knows that I get into girls. I think it's fun to be open and play. The line is real to me. My husband and I check in with each other, but I definitely love women. I think they're more attractive to the naked eye."

But not more attractive than an exposed trouser snake:

"I love dick. To be honest, that I cannot live without."

Making journalists feign interest in your possible forays into lesbianism sounds a tad Gaga-ish, no? Note to female entertainers hungry for publicity: the coy sapphic bit hasn't been shocking since Sex-era Madonna. Even staler is Aguilera's platitudinous feminism, which in fairness is old hat for her...and Gaga...and Pink, among others. "Not Myself Tonight," the first track off "Bionic," lets ladies know they have the right to get hammered and hike up their skirts. Betty is smiling down from heaven.

And music fans are frowning that even credible entertainers must resort to tabloid overshares to stay relevant. Your voice may be beautiful, Christina. But words can bring you down.

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