What are you guys doing at 12:01 this Friday night? Hitting a party in the city? Going for a midnight swim in the Hamptons? Or sitting at home anxiously hitting “Refresh” on Facebook? If your answer was the latter, we’re going to let you get away with it, just this once. This Saturday, June 13th, at 12:01 am, Facebook users will be able to pick usernames for a facebook URL, so that people can directly type in the address of your Facebook page, i.e. www.facebook.com/guestofaguest.

Unless you’re bizarrely attached to “profile.php?id=808685&ref=profile” or whatever, this is probably not big news. Yeah, that’s what I thought too, at first. But after thinking about it obsessively (Facebook is, after all, a hobby, nay, a passion of mine…), I began to realize the possible ramifications of this username business.

Things You Need To Know About The Facebook Username

1. Obviously, the best choice of username is, in fact, your name. If you’re lucky enough to have an un-pronounceable mix of foreign names like mine, chances are you’ll have no problem making your own name your username.
2. If your name is John Smith, Kyle Johnson, or Mary Brown, you’re probably going to have a harder time getting your name. You should probably cancel all your Friday night plans and start doing some typing exercises to increase your speed/chances.
3. Please don’t choose something overly complicated, like MaryBrown62587UCLA43. No one will ever remember that, and you will stop getting 127 requests for Zombie Wars/Lil’Green Patch/Which Minor Harry Potter Character Are You quizzes…and why would you want that to ever end?
4. BEWARE OF FACEBOOK IDENTITY THEFT! Since Facebook is, in theory, a democratic platform, anyone can grab a username, so long as they get it first.
5. FACEBOOK IDENTITY THEFT: THIS COULD BE GREAT. If you are indeed at the ready at 12:01, there is nothing stopping you from getting the username of your choosing. I, myself, am considering: a) www.facebook.com/levarburton; b) www.facebook.com/angelinajolie; or c) www.facebook.com/bristolpalin.
6. There is another guy in Kankakee, Illinois with your exact name, and damnit, he’s fast with a mouse. Now you have to choose your own username. TREAD CAREFULLY. Since Facebook is probably going to be around for longer than any of us can imagine, choose something with a little dignity: you don’t want to post pictures of your grandkids on www.facebook.com/ElWeirdo13.
7. This point can’t be stressed enough: you CANNOT CHANGE YOUR FACEBOOK USERNAME. And MrsChuckBass isn’t going to be funny forever/ever.
8. Please remember that this does not mean you suddenly “have a webpage.” No. You still just have a Facebook Profile. With a URL. Please do not put www.facebook.com/PaulPotts on your business cards.