We've waited 'til after lunchtime to tell you this, because...well, it's pretty bad and we wanted you to enjoy your pizza. But without further adieu, we regret to inform you that your best friend, the doorman, might be planning to abandon you.-
How was that? Kind of like ripping off a band aid, right? Actually, it wasn't. This stings way more than that. Sorry for making the comparison.
But let's back up. The truth is, if an agreement regarding the contracts of the city's doormen and other building workers isn't reached by April 21st, they could go on strike. This means everything we rely on them for, like helping us get taxis, buzzing up our Chinese food and breaking up with our boyfriends for us by saying we've moved, is in seriously serious jeopardy.
According to the Service Employees International Union, the salary of an apartment worker is around $40,000 a year, which I think we can all agree is terribly inadequate given how hard they work and what great people they are. The Realty Advisory Board says the number is closer to $68,000, but neither figure represents the talent that is hailing a taxi in the heart of an October monsoon.
So now that we've alerted you to the possibility of the world ending on April 12th, we're going to help you prepare to live in what will be an uninhabitable city. Here are three of the things you're going to have to start doing for yourself. Reader discretion is advised, because this isn't going to be pretty.
Getting Your Mail
This could be the hardest task you'll have to do after the apocalypse. Depending on where you reside, chances are you're going to have to rummage through your neighbors' mail in order find your own. To determine what mail is yours, hold the envelope or package in your hands so the stamp (that little picture of an American flag) is on the right and the sender's address is on the left. Slightly below and between the return address and the stamp should be your name, the building number, street, zip code and your apartment number written under it. (See image below.) THIS IS IMPORTANT. If you can't find your name and your apartment on the envelope, do NOT open it. That means the envelope is not yours and you should toss it back into the pile from which it came.
Getting A Taxi
You'll probably have more difficulty doing this than finding your mail, but let's pretend you won't and act like you'll be able to do this yourself. First thing to do is consider the weather. If it isn't raining, walk out from under your awning and step into the street. If there are cars parked, this means you'll have to stand alongside or near the driver's side of the car, so passing taxis can see you. But not too far because then you'll get hit by a passing motorist and your life will end. Then, raise your hand like you want your teacher to call on you and don't put it down until a taxi stops in front of you (see image below). Don't snap your fingers because not only is that inaudible to passing drivers, it's rude. Just wave your hand around. Maybe show some leg. If it's raining outside, call the WAHmbulance because you're gonna have to walk.
Opening A Door
This, like getting finding your mail, is quite taxing. It requires genuine upper body strength, in addition to a thorough understanding of momentum. Depending if the door to your building is a "push" or a "pull" door, that's what you're going to have to do to get in. Sometimes you'll be told the action you'll have to perform (see below), but not always. For "push" doors, put your hand out in front of you and onto the door, the same way you would when you're singing "Stop In The Name Of Love" into your bathroom mirror. Then, lean into the door -- it should open. For "pull" doors, stand a foot away from the door. With one hand, grasp the knob, handle or bar with your fingers and bend your elbow to bring the knob, handle, or bar towards you. Pull the door to your body until there's enough space for you to walk through. This depends on your body size, and it might take some time for you to learn spacial relations. Don't get discouraged. It doesn't come easy for anyone.
Anyway, here's hoping everything works out and the hardworking doormen and women get their needs met. They deserve it.