Are you that girl who spends two hours primping and prepping for the night out, playing the world's dumbest game of text tennis, hitting two word messages back and forth over your blowdryer, hair straightener, hair curler, and towels stained with wiped off makeup mistakes? Two hours to look your best, knowing that in four hours you'll be looking your worst - no finishing powder in the world strong enough to keep your face from running away from your drunk ass self, leaving a smudged portrait of a positively non-lady?
The city never sleeps. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. One can only be the life of the party for so long. Then they're just on a Pandora's Box of a kamikaze mission to ruin everything. Just because you're not retching up your lunch in the bathroom, because of course you forgot to eat dinner, doesn't mean you aren't cruising for a social bruising.
Learn to take a cue. There's plenty of shit to fuck up in the privacy of your home.
If you are experiencing one (or all) of these, it's time to call an Uber and go home:
1. When a vertical existence is too much to handle, and living life horizontally slowly wins out.
2. When apparently you need a new contact prescription, because you've a perpetual squint / one-eyed pirate wink situation taking over your face.
3. When giving a couch an unsolicited lap dance seems like the thing to do.
4. When you feel it acceptable to randomly to yell at strangers in the same way that one would snap at their sibling.
5. When no one else seems to agree that the guy you're hitting on is a total 10.
6. When you're crying because you've lost the phone that you're holding in your hand.
7. When your group of friends are nowhere in sight. Because, you.
8. When your fingers start to find their way into your mouth.. because, this is adorable, no?
9. When you're not only oblivious to the fact that your boob is out, but when being made aware of such makes you angry that someone had the decency to tell you.
10. When your body turns into a limp bag of potatoes that your best guy friend now needs to lug to the curb.
[Photo via @peaceloveshea]