Are you sick and tired of being approached by random losers in bars and clubs?
Do you ever dream of meeting a successful, good-looking, interesting guy who actually stands out?
Have you ever tried using dating apps like Tinder, and ended up meeting weird people who didn’t even look like their profile pictures?
Are you a model or look like you could actually be a model?
Then boy, do we have the dude for you! But again, you have to look like a model.
Since he obviously got rejected from Raya and/or Soho House, Swiss "entrepreneur" and recent NYC settler Emmanuel Fredenrich has taken things into his own hands, creating a full-on website to "not" brag about his money and accomplishments in order to find the perfect skinny bitch to spend his days with.
The 6'1 import claims to have started his own internet business at 14, dropping out of high school four years later to focus on his companies which apparently involve selling "health e-books and programs to help people lose weight and fight aging" (two things that are especially important for any gals lucky enough to snag his attention).
Emmanuel, who pairs "deep" Instagram captions with designer call-outs, would like you to know he leads a very unconventional life. "I don’t take the Subway — I only cab or Uber. I don’t wear cheap clothes. And I don’t worry about money... I don’t have a schedule and I’m my own boss... Usually, after waking up around 9am, I work 4-5 hours per day in an internet café from my laptop."
Um, sorry to be the one to break it to ya, but that pretty much describes 95% of the Manhattan douchebag dating pool. The one thing that DOES stand out though, is working from an "internet café." Like??? Aren't those the places people on MTV's Catfish lurk amid creepy gamer bros? Allow us to point you towards some other options you can apparently afford.
Now, now. Like we said, he's not here to brag. However, he's very proud of the fact that he's "probably experienced more 5-star hotels and Michelin restaurants than most people ever will in their entire lives." Again, so has every New Yorker - and they've never had to set foot in an internet café.
So, single hotties, are you still interested? Well, he's probably not interested in you. Le sigh. Emmanuel's hard-line requirements for love are as follows:
- You have to be fit, and look like you could be a model (or be an actual model)…
- You have to be the kind of girl who « turns heads » wherever you go…
- And you have to be fun, easy-going, and allergic to any kind of drama…
"In other words: yes, unfortunately, most girls reading this will not qualify." (YES HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT!)
However, if you freakishly break into hives whenever someone mentions the Kardashians in your presence, feel free to fill out an application to be his arm candy. Must include Instagram handle or just "cool pictures you have sitting around. No nudes please." (Well, that last request is admirable!)
Good luck out there, E. Unfortunately, we're sure you'll find someone you can pay enough to deal with you.
[Photos via @emmanuelfofficiel]