Tips For Cab Drivers

Tips for Taxi Drivers Taxi drivers who know a lot about a lot. Most of them are highly educated thinkers from places far, far away. They even know a lot about Manhattan roadways. Even more, perhaps, than myself. But there are a few things that need clearing up....

When travelling east to west or vice-versa, is it almost ALWAYS easier to go through the Park. It’s a simple truth.

Similarly, if I need to get to Midtown, the time to “go across” IS NOT ONCE WE’VE ARRIVED IN MIDTOWN. If we’re uptown and you refuse to go through the Park, or if there’s something going on in the Park, at least cross the island above 59th St. If we’re coming from downtown, please cross below 32nd St. Nothing irritates me more than sailing down Park and turning right on 42nd St. WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING, CABBIE?? Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m an idiot and don’t know that you’re running up my meter. Sometimes I may not pay attention, but understand this, cabbie: once I wake up from my daydream of blinding an ex – any ex -- with the four-carat diamond that some dashing, wildly successful, loving man put on my finger … well, I’m gonna KNOW we’re sitting in cross-town traffic on 42nd St. and it’s your tip on the line, cabbie. Just remember that.

If I don’t sound like I want to talk, stop talking to me.

Crossing town, Lesson #3. If there’s a four-lane road running both ways across town, don’t take the one-way, four blocks before it. Take the big road. Say, for example, I need to get to 88th and 2nd. My cabbie, coming up Madison Ave., will turn right on 82nd, and then SURPRISE!!!!!! THERE’S A GARBAGE TRUCK!!! Or, even better, SURPRISE!!!! THERE’S A GIRL FROM NJ TRYING TO PARALLEL PARK HER JETTA IN A SPACE THAT WOULDN’T FIT A VESPA!!! Cabbie, why not just take 86th? Why, why, why, why, why??! And stop talking on the goddamn phone! Had you been paying more attention, you may have put a little thought into this ride of ours. Which brings me to...

 Who are you talking to? Can you reach Pakistan on that bad boy, b/c I can’t believe you know so many locals awake at 4 a.m. Not that it’s a problem – I really don’t care what you do unless you keep me in here for longer than I have to be. I’m just curious. We both know you’re cooler than I am – after all, you were the Chief Foreign Affairs Advisor to Wasim Sajjad -- there’s no need to rub it in. Just get me home. Faster.

I really don’t mind if you hit someone. So long as you get me home intact, do what you need to do. And finally …

You get no tip if I’m paying for cabbie training. That’s right, it’s 3 a.m. on a Thursday night and we’re on 1st Ave. There’s a green light and no one on the road. Why are we cruising at 15 mph? No tip for you. In all honesty, I never withhold tips from cabbies. But I often want to very, very much.