Last night, Mayor Michael Bloomberg joined Victoria's Secret Models and other fitness-driven gym rats for the opening of Technogym in Soho. Why? That's a good question. Follow our reporter David as he tries to make sense of the opening via his Blackberry.....
The following is being posted in its unaltered form via David Shapiro's Blackberry:
"Me and Angelica are standing on the sidewalk outside of Technogym, a new workout equipment store/showroom that is having a launch party tonight. We're standing outside with some other people because they aren't letting people in yet, and a big black Mercedes pulls up and the driver stops the car and gets out and walks over to the opposite side of the car and opens the door and a blonde woman steps out and starts walking toward the showroom that we're standing in front of. The driver starts pulling the car away and Angelica points out that the woman is wearing only a black dress, no coat or anything, even though it's November, and then as the woman is walking towards the store she sees that they are not letting people in yet and she turns around and holds one finger up and the driver slams on the brakes as the car is pulling away, and the car bucks and the woman is on the sidewalk thinking about whether to get back in the warm car or wait outside without a coat until the showroom opens, but then one of the publicists sees her through the window of the showroom and runs outside and brings her inside. Angelica rolls a cigarette and smokes it and then they start letting people in so we go inside.
The showroom is a long hallway with really bright lighting and it's full of expensive-looking exercise equipment that the company installs in your home. There is a treadmill with a built-in screen you can watch Youtube videos on, and some of the machines have models and trainers using them to demonstrate how they work. There is a woman on a treadmill who is simultaneously running and dancing to the music playing over the loudspeakers, she looks like she could be in a Black Eyed Peas video I think.
A few minutes pass and now the room is full of people, ladies in lavish dresses and men in suits and tuxedos. A lot of people are speaking Italian. I am wearing skinny jeans and black sneakers and if my dad was here he would say, "boy, you need a shave." Angelica is also wearing skinny jeans, and I don't know what her dad would say if he was here but he might mention something about how we are underdressed, but we didn't know it was going to be fancy because it's the opening of a store that sells gym equipment.
Me and Angelica walk over to one of the cocktail waiters who has a tray of glasses with a purple drink in them and I say, "What is this?" The cocktail waiter says, "Pomegranate martini," and I take a glass off the tray and say, "Thanks!" He looks down and then looks left and right, like how criminals make sure that the coast is clear or little kids who are taking cookies out of the cookie jar check to see if their parents are watching, and then he looks me in the eye and under his breath he says, "It's just vodka and pomegranate juice man," like he is revealing the catering company's conspiracy to me. I laugh and thank him.
Angelica looks at the woman running and dancing on the treadmill and the woman has a red face now and Angelica giggles and says, "How long do you think she can do that for?"
Nouriel Roubini, the famous NYU economist who is known as Dr. Doom, is wearing a bright yellow shirt and talking to one of the trainers about buying some gym equipment. The trainer is a small woman and she is standing up against a wall and he puts his arm up against the wall behind her, like a high school jock in a movie trying to corner a cheerleader against a locker to ask her on a date, but he is not sexually aggressive and so I think he is just doing it to support his body. He is maybe 5'5" or 5'6" and stocky and balding and he doesn't smile. We walk over to them because I want to interview him about writing academic papers on a Blackberry because I do all my writing on a Blackberry and he recently said in an interview that he wrote a paper on a Blackberry while on a boat off the coast of Saint-Tropez.
Me and Angelica are standing behind him and he seems pretty engaged in conversation with this woman trying to sell him home gym equipment. Usually when celebrities show up to these things, they have to display a modicum of interest in whatever product is being sold just to avoid being rude but then after they hear the pitch they just move on, but he is asking follow-up questions and looks really interested and he is listening attentively. I feel like he might actually want to buy one of these exercise machines.
He points to a group of exercise machine and says, "...what about THOSE machines?"
The woman he is talking to sounds hesitant and says, "...they'll give you the TONE definition, but..." Then she thinks about it for a second and says something that I can't hear and then they finish talking and I lightly tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and looks me in the eye and I ask him if I can ask him some questions for a website that I write for and then he says "No, I am just here to enjoy myself," meaning he is not doing any press, and I thank him anyway and walk away.
A cocktail waiter walks by with a plate of scallops that are about three centimeters in diameter on top of a chip that is a little bigger than a stamp. I try one and it is good, it's like chewing on a meaty little piece of the ocean.
Angelica goes out for a cigarette and then two minutes later I look up from my phone and there is a man wearing a baseball cap, and a backpack over his blazer, and he is standing in front of me. He asks me about how I am typing so fast on my blackberry, I say I get a lot of practice, and then he asks me what I do and I say I am reporting on this event for a website and then he asks if I do PR and I say no and he says some other stuff about Blackberrys that I don't write down and then I say, "Wait, who are you?" He tells me his name is Boris and he is a venture capitalist. He says some other stuff and i say, "Okay, ummmm, cool, well it was nice to meet you..." I go back to my Blackberry and he thanks me and leaves. I didn't mean to be rude to him but I am trying to write this thing, you know? I hope I didn't offend him. Angelica is next to me again and she says, "Okay, what was up with the guy on rollerblades?" And I say, "Who's on rollerblades?" She says, "The guy you were just talking to," and I smile and tell her I didn't notice that he was on rollerblades but his name is Boris and he's a venture capitalist and he just approached me to ask me how I type so fast on a Blackberry. I ask if he was really on rollerblades or if she is just fucking with me and she says, "Yeah, he just rolled away from you, didn't you see?" And then I look around and he is gliding past a cocktail waitress. I tell angelica it is nice to not be the weirdest person at a party.
A few minutes later, Mayor Bloomberg walks in with a huge entourage of security guards and handlers, and behind him is a video camera with a light on it. The owner of the gym equipment store leads Mayor Bloomberg through the store and tells him about the equipment. They walk to the back of the store and then back towards the entrance. Mayor Bloomberg is a little hunched over and as he walks past me, I can hear him say something about former New York Governor George Pataki. Mayor Bloomberg and his entourage walk back out the front door of the store again. He was inside the store for maybe four minutes. I wonder how many of these appearances he makes in a night?
Behind me, a woman says to another woman, "Your boobs look really good!" The other woman says, "Thanks! I'm getting my period!" Now they are both laughing.
Then the supermodel Adriana Lima walks in with a man who I think is about 7 feet tall. She is smiling and calm as people crowd around her and take her picture. She is like glowing. Her lipgloss is shiny and sparkles when a camera flash goes off. Then the store owner leads her through the store and she says almost nothing as he tells her about the equipment and demonstrates it. In front of a treadmill she tosses her hair. We follow Adriana Lima and her entourage to the back of the store where the gym owner personally demonstrates a machine that reminds me of a Bowflex, that exercise machine they advertise on TV, but this store's machine looks more complicated and modern than a Bowflex.
Adriana Lima is getting her picture taken and standing near a man who I think is her handler because of the way he has stayed next to her since she walked in, even when the tall man she walked in with went to the bar (who I think is her date or husband), and I say to the man that I think is her handler, "Hey, can I ask her some questions about the tattoo on her foot?" I don't really know about supermodels, so I don't have any supermodel-related questions, but she has a cool tattoo on her foot that is like a snake made up of a lot of little designs and then it has some X's around it, or something like that, I didn't exactly get the chance to study it in detail. And the handler says, "Sure man, go ahead! She got it in Bali and it's the real process, the painful process. She got it on the beach!"
Then another reporter asks her some questions and I wait my turn behind him. I am afraid I have something in my teeth, like I FEEL something there but it's too late to check it now obviously and I am nervous that I will be talking to a supermodel with something in my teeth. I will save you the suspense of finding out whether or not I actually have something in my teeth and tell you that I checked my teeth in the mirror after I talked to her and I didn't have anything in them, but that was a real scare for a second.
Anyway, then it is my turn to talk to Adriana Lima and I introduce myself and then say, "Can you tell me about the tattoo on your foot?" And she laughs and says, in a Brazilian accent, "It was done in Tahiti!" and I say, "How?" She gives me a puzzled look and I want to explain that I was told it was done in a nontraditional way, which I sort of imagined as some tribesman heating ink over a bonfire and then stabbing her foot with a primitive needle or something like that, but then she says, "It wasn't with the bamboo!" She giggles. I think she means it wasn't a really primitive process but I'm not sure. I say, "Can you tell me what it means?" She goes, "It's private," and I ask, "You mean just private to me? Or private to, like, the public?"
She says, "Only people close to me know!" And she smiles at me and I thank her and our brief interview is over and then I turn around and start talking to my friend who is the reporter who was previously talking to Adriana Lima.
A few seconds later, Adriana Lima must have taken a few steps in our direction because she I notice she is suddenly standing behind me, and she leans over to us and says, "You guys have such silly questions!" Me and my friend laugh and she looks at me expectantly, I guess she wants me to explain why I ask silly questions, I am really surprised she is continuing our conversation without being asked more questions, but I don't know how to answer that so I tell her that I also have a private tattoo and then she thinks about that for a second and says that she doesn't want to know about my tattoo and she grins, I think she is joking around with me but is also serious about not caring about my tattoo, which is understandable, and then someone walks over to her and tells her that she has to take some more pictures so we say goodbye to her and walk away and look for Angelica and the waiters with the hors d'oeuvres and cocktails.
Later, it gets really crowded and me and Angelica are squished in between some people and Angelica points out that Madonna's first boyfriend after her divorce from Guy Ritchie, a Brazilian model/DJ named Jesus, is two people away from me in this crowd. He is standing next to a very tall olive-skinned man with a shaved head who has a tattoo on his neck of calligraphy letters that I can't really read and I suspect he is Jesus' friend or handler by the way they are sticking together as they try to push through the crowd. I lean over and ask the man next to Jesus what his tattoo says and he smiles at me, non-famous people really like it when you ask what their tattoos mean, and he says, "It says 'Loyalty' -- it's for a crew I was part of." He seems like a nice guy and it makes me think that neck tattoos can be deceiving indicators of how nice a person will be.
Jesus leaned over to us and listened as his friend explained his tattoo, so then I turn to Jesus and introduce myself and ask him if I can ask him some questions. He has long curly brown hair and patchy facial hair and big eyes and he looks very friendly and gives me permission to ask him some questions. He looks like he is having a good time. I ask him what his favorite song to play while DJing is and he says he doesn't really have a favorite, but the song that makes the club go crazy is the Benny Bennassi edit of Celebration by Madonna. I didn't expect him to name a Madonna song because generally, when someone is primarily famous for being associated with someone, they won't start talking about something related to the person they are famous for being associated with immediately, you know? Like if you asked the model Georgia Jagger what she's listening to right now, she probably wouldn't be like, "I fucking love the Rolling Stones," you know? Or maybe she would and I am wrong.
I ask Jesus, "What drugs do you do?" He says, "I experimented with marijuana when I was a teenager but I didn't like it." He smiles a little bit and thinks about the question. He has really positive vibes I think, and I guess if I were the type of person to throw parties that people like him would come to, I would definitely invite him because he seems jovial and carefree. Then he says it is very easy to fall into doing a lot of drugs in his line of work (modeling/DJing), but that he avoids doing drugs, and also that he drinks alcohol, which is supposes is "a kind of drug." When he is done explaining that I thank him for talking to me and say, "See you later," and then me and Angelica squeeze our way out of the crowd and find one of the cocktail waiters and have another cocktail. We talk about leaving and decide to leave. I am wondering how much this gym equipment costs.
On the way out, we run into Jesus and his friend again. Jesus is talking to one of the trainers who is aggressively trying to sell him some of the gym equipment, and he pulls me toward the trainer he is talking to and says, loud enough for the trainer to hear and trying to stifle a laugh, jokingly trying to get the trainer to talk to me instead of him, "Remember you asked me about workout advice? This is the guy!"
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