Gossip Girl here, last I heard, things were about to get down and dirty on a little island called St. Bart’s...
Scene VI. Welcome to The Temptress The cars unload the guests, and the crew of The Temptress carry their bags on board the Yacht where Chuck and Nate are waiting with bottles of champagne in their hands. Chuck theatrically steps up on a ladder, and raising one arm out as in a toast, addresses the group in a melodramatic manner:
Chuck: “Welcome, Welcome. Welcome aboard my humble little craft, the Temptress. May she tempt you, pleasure you, and enchant you. Please line up in an orderly fashion so that I may hand you your key with your room assignment. I hope I got it all correct, we wouldn’t want any wrong pairings to happen this weekend (he glances slyly over to Blair, holding eye contact for much longer than necessary). You have exactly T minus two hours until we head out to the Russell Simmon’s Party at the Hotel Carl Gustav…..
They get their room keys with who they will be sharing with. The one master room is broken down into 2 bunk beds. Chuck assigned the following to share that room: Himself, Nate, Serena, and Blair. This obviously poses a HUGE problem.
Blair pulls him aside: “If you think for one second that this little foursome you’ve created is funny, you are even sicker than I thought.” Chuck: “At least you know I haven’t spilled the beans about your little ‘issue’ with your virgin tease show…..yet”
Blair shoots him a look that would send chills through the average mortal. Yet, deep inside, she is indescribably relieved that she is safe…so far. Chuck doesn’t flinch.
Dan and Serena are having their own boring dialog by themselves on the top deck of the yacht. It is Dan’s first Yacht experience, Serena looks so magical against the sunset, if Chuck thinks for one moment that he is not sharing a room with her he is out of his mind, blah, blah, blah. My version of the show will save you from the boring details of their conversation….Serena’s hair is once again annoyingly long and annoyingly flowing in the wind.
Scene VII. It's time to party. After a late afternoon nap, where the group sleeps off their minor buzzes, they disembark from the yacht, and are chauffeured up to the Russell Simmons party at the Hotel Carl Gustav. Chuck took it on himself to make fake ids for each one of his guests. Upon entering, the displeasure and distaste of their host is palpable.
Chuck: “I can’t stand these people, its New York in St. Barth’s. I didn’t travel 2000 miles to rub elbows with Paris Hilton wannabees, promoters, and model wranglers who don’t have a pot to piss in. How did these guys get onto the island anyway, isn’t there a law preventing them from stepping foot on here?” Nate: “Relax Chuck, let’s just hit the open bar, grab a couple of pops, and then be on our way.” Chuck: “I need a Vodka Tonic stat.”
Meanwhile Serena, who could care less where she is so long as Dan is present, and tries to dance with Dan to Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’”. Dan of course is miserable when it comes to getting jiggy with it, and the two awkwardly bump around the dance floor as we are forced to painfully watch. Blair sits in the corner, coyly nursing her nursing her Midori Sour.
Chuck: “Let's get out of this hellhole. I have a table at the Yacht Club, with a magnum of Belvedere.” Nate: “Ok I’ll round up the troops”
The group is now inside the Yacht Club, the only club on the island, and a poor excuse for one at that. It’s packed to the brim, plus the air conditioning has just broken, causing everyone to start sweating buckets. They have black lights hanging from the ceiling.
Chuck: "This is such a JV club, I can’t believe they have black lights. If it was your house that would be one thing, but when you’re dropping coin like we are, you’d expect some class. Who designed this place anyway, Stevie Wonder?” Blair: “I hate how my teeth look so white” Nate: “Yea, I feel like we’re playing laser tag in Queens or something.”
The house music is pounding away, and they are starting to get tipsy…
Chuck (to Blair): "They’re white alright, and they look yummy..." Nate: "What did you say?" (He perks up and shoots a strong glance at Chuck)
Meanwhile Blair stands there motionless at the table, sensing the immediate danger of the situation and praying that it doesn’t escalate.
Chuck: “What? I can’t hear you?” (He points to the speaker, pretending that he is having trouble hearing”
He then starts to light up his joint and continue to take a tally in his head of who the hottest girls are in the room.
Scene VIII. The stroke of Midnight Countdown in club, bottles everywhere, and oh the angst that Chuck feels when he sees Nate grab Blair to go in for the kiss. Pretending not to notice, the countdown is the longest 10 seconds of his life. On the other side of him he has Serena and Dan basically fucking in front of him. Not the best New Year’s he’s had.....The party goes on, and the drugs come out. Serena and Dan are still in their own little world on the other side of the table. Serena is starting to nod of, Blair is bored, and the twins are doing some weird techno dance in the middle of the floor. Everyone is ready to bounce, St. Bart’s is clearly better in the day time. The Temptress awaits them.
Scene IX. Lights out They are back on the yacht and everyone is wasted. They all decide to get in the hot tub of course.
Chuck: "I have an idea how to spice things up, lets play 'Never have I ever' huh boys and girls?" Terror runs across Blair's face Serena: "Yes!!" Dan: "What's that game?" Chuck: "You'll catch on rookie, in fact you can go first. Ask anyone here any question you'd like, but you better make it juicy." Dan: "Uh, okay...Blair, have you ever gone past third base with someone besides Nate?" Serena shoots him an disapproving look, but he laughs it off as just part of this stupid game he is being forced to play by his girlfriend's spoiled rich friends. He had just unwittingly stumbled upon the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Nate: "What?!" Blair looks like a hunted animal that has been backed up into a wall, and quickly searches her mind for a way out of this. Blair: "Um never...duh!" She smiles sweetly at Nate.
Chuck whose been self-medicating himself the whole night with booze in an effort to stave off him immense jealousy for Blair, has at this point lost almost all inhibitions, he moves his hand under the water onto Blair's thigh. She quickly brushes it away. He goes for it again, she rebuffs him again, this time with utter contempt and disgust.
Blair announces matter of factly: "I'm tired and drunk, and I'm going to bed."
She jumps out of the tub, runs off to her room, as Nate follows in hot pursuit. Dan and Serena start going at it right in front of Chuck, again completely oblivious to the many ongoings below the surface of the water and reality. Ignorance is bliss, as personified by this couple, who decide to make their way back to their own room, leaving Chuck all alone in the hot tub, empty handed save the glass of scotch in his hand. The remnants of his father's fortune surround him.
Looks like there will be broken hearts aboard the Temptress this New Year's as Mother Nature is once again set out to prove to the universe, that money can't always buy you what you want. We'll see you next time, from another island up north. Until then, you know you love me,