Mattel will roll out four new Barbie dolls based on Mad Men's Don and Betty Draper, Roger Sterling and Joan Holloway this July. Which characters and plot lines probably won't make the cut in future models based on the series?
The Times notes that Mattel cut out some of Mad Men's mature elements to make the new Barbies suitable for America's impressionable daughters.
"The dolls come with period accessories like hats, overcoats, pearls and padded undergarments, but no cigarettes, ashtrays, martini glasses or cocktail shakers."
Those aren't the only things missing! Consider some other possible spin-offs:
"Don Draper Finger-Blasting Bobbie Barrett In The Bathroom At Lutece" Ken. Mattel's trademark neutering just makes third base awkward.
"Bodacious Joan" Barbie. You know how they say a life sized woman with Barbie's proportions wouldn't be able to stand upright? Well, Joan's doll lacks the character's curves and otherworldly cleavage. Which would actually seem to hinder Christina Hendricks' mobility on the set and in real life.
"Drunk Freddy Rumson Pissing His Pants Before A Conference Meeting" Stacie. Again, bodily functions both pleasurable and rote don't exist in the Barbiesphere.
"Great Depression and World War II Flashback-Having" Skipper: In the long history of the Barbie line, Mattel probably introduced a Dorothea Lange or Rosie the Riveter model. But we doubt it's touched whores in labor or stealing a dead soldier's identity.
"Sal Cruising the Ramble" Ken: As if the parents of boys who play with Barbie dolls aren't worried enough.
"Beatnik Midge" Midge. Mad Men's midnight toking Greenwich Village bohemian Midge is a bit risque for the line. And God help a Barbie doll were she to suffer the munchies or paranoia about those Bratz skanks who will totally cut her.
"Twilight Labor Betty" Barbie: You expect Barbie to squeeze out a baby and ruin that bod?
Then again, professor of television and popular culture Robert Thompson might have a twisted enough sense of humor to lobby for these dolls' inclusion:
“I have this fantasy of an 8-year-old getting a set [of the dolls] and saying: ‘Mom, can Chelsea come over? We want to play 'The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit.' I’m going to be the organization man, and she’s going to be the soulless drone.’ ”
Now that's how Mattel could beat its Bratz doll rivals at their own edgy game.