Are You Or Someone You Love, A Spandexual?

by Stephanie Maida · May 11, 2016

Here at GofG, we love all sorts of sexuals. Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, beardsexual - whatever, good for you. The one thing we just can't get behind? Spandexuals.

You know the types. The Hannah Bronfmans and Brendan Fallises of the world; the firm-booty, chiseled-pecs, always-sweating types who live in their Lululemon and high tech running sneakers. You see, these people consider spandex their skin tone and they can only get it up for others in their race - like, literally, if you're not training for some sort of marathon they won't even give you a second glance. 

Spandexuals, as a class, are diverse. They can be man-bun yogis who are somehow always barefoot in Bushwick, they can be boxing bros, or #fitchicks really into S10 training. A slut for SoulCycle, a CrossFit cult member. (Congrats on that swole, y'all, those bulging veins in your arms look hot!) They do not discriminate, as long as you're not some sort of jeans-wearing plebe. 

However, some spandexuals may not actually be fitness fanatics at all. There are the types who simply spent too much money on their fancy Lucas Hugh leggings or Stella McCartney x Adidas sports bra to, frankly, be seen in anything else. All they're looking for is a partner who will brunch with them (outdoors at Butcher's Daughter, of course) in corresponding gear. Yeah, they look like they just came from a grueling 6 am workout, but did they really?

So you're interested in a spandexual, because you are apparently self-loathing and craving green juice. How does one go about winning him or her over? Easy - just plan your first date around an Instagrammable acroyoga photo shoot at the beach. That, or engage in ceremonious meal prep. You'll be getting into those spandex pants in no time. Why you would want to though, we have no idea.

[Photo via @hannahbronfman