New Study Proves That Teens Today Are Just Virgins That Can't Drive

by Jane Ninivaggi · August 5, 2016

According to a detailed report done by the federal government on the escapades of our favorite American idiots, teenagers, today's teens drink less, smoke less, do drugs less, and have less sex than any previous generation. In a word - they're all losers. 

We're not sure if these results indicate that teens nowadays have no moral compass and are willing to deceive national surveys or if they just genuinely have no lives. I mean, honestly, what happened to binge drinking in somebody's basement and lying to your parents about who your sleepover is with? The reality is, teens are having a lot less sex and probably think that a 'hallucinogenic' is the name of some Indie band they bought an overpriced Urban Outfitters record of. 

Parents of the world should be ashamed that their children are probably better behaved than themselves. While today's adults may have grown up smoking mushrooms, rather than eating them, and not being grossed out by the word "panty," their kids are sober and sexless. Sad, really.

When they do have sex, teens love contraceptives. In the past four years, for example, the use of hormonal birth control has increased by 15%. Additionally, teens apparently love wearing seat belts. Golly, looks like being safe is ~finally~ hip. 

However, the only thing teens may love more than STD prevention and their pacifiers is vaping; 44.9% of teens are reported as using e-cigarettes or other vaping devices. No, we're not joking. I guess the question, "Bro, do you even vape?!" is no longer rhetorical.

Well, there you have it. Today's teens are boring and making us all look bad. Shit.