A Definitive Guide To The Hottest Meatpacking Clubs

by SUSANNAH LONG · June 14, 2010

In an effort to recast The Breakfast Club for the clubbing set, the Post sent actors playing a Guido, Guidette, Nerd, Nerdette, Cougar, and Suburban Dad into the hottest Meatpacking nightclubs. The goal: to determine the most exclusive spot in the land. This is investigative reporting at its finest. Lessons Learned:

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The clubs that the Post evaulated: Griffin, Tenjune, 1Oak, Avenue, Marquee, and The Boom Boom Room. The Possibility for actor-humiliation: high.

1. Guidos and Nerdettes are universally hated.

Jen Hobbs, the Nerdette . . .        and Gregory Nalbone, the Guido [Photos courtesy of The Post ]

The former, played by an actor named Gregory Nalbone, got into only 1Oak for free (after sneaking in alongside some leggy Eastern European models) and Marquee with a cover. The latter, played by Jen Hobbs, clawed her way into Marquee for free, but couldn't get into Griffin without a cover.

The Nerdette was hurt by the Boom Boom Room's rude response, but the Guido fared far worse. Griffin's bouncer looked at the Guido's open Juicy Couture velour hoodie and snickered, "Zip that shit all the way up and maybe I'll let you in." The leather-gloved bouncer at Avenue went above and beyond the call of duty and said, "I'm not even addressing him." Then other bouncers at the club "laughed and pointed," repeatedly asking where the Guido's shirt was. Don't cry for New Jersey, though - a fellow Guido at Marquee told Nalbone that his jeweled cross necklace was "hot."

2. Suburban Dads are so in right now.

Danny Tanner and Danny Tanner Lite (actor Jeff Knapp), let us feed you peppermint patty shots! [Photo courtesy of The Post ]

The Suburban Dad got into 5 of the 6 hotspots (although he had to pay covers at Griffin, Avenue, and Marquee), even though he was dressed like Rick Moranis in the "Honey I Shrunk The Kid" films. Was it pity? Secret lust? The fact that he kept telling people he was "off daddy duty for the night"? Or was it that Jeff Knapp, the actor playing the character, looks crazy-eyed enough that he might be carrying around enough coke for everyone in that battered briefcase?

3. Guidettes and Cougars are equal in the eyes of the club gods.

Cougar actress Belinda Johnson and Guidette actress Joanna Sambucini [Photos courtesy of The Post ]

Both ladies were accepted into Tenjune, Griffin, and Marquee. The Cougar made into Avenue, whose doorman "was such a jerk" to the Guidette. Conversely, the Guidette shimmied into 1Oak, where the Cougar was met with only pity.

The Cougar got compliments ("You look great for your age.") and jacked-up philosophical advice ("Make the men happy, or better yet, make yourself happy.") at Marquee and Avenue. However, she couldn't talk her way into 1Oak, where she bemoaned her decrepit state and the bouncer told her, "Don't beat yourself up about it."

And everyone luuuuuvvved the Snooki doppelganger at Tenjune 1Oak - the Guidette actress, Joanna Sambucini, found herself surrounded by bouncers who asked for her number and cooed, “Oh, my God! You are too much!”

4. The Boom Boom Room is hot. Marquee is not.

Yes. [Photo courtesy of TurnLooseTheBlog] No.

The Post notes that the Boom Boom Room wouldn't let any of the six undercover stereotypes in. Instead, staffers and bystanders drawled cutting remarks, hurting the sensitive actors' feelings. Marquee, however, is "only for bridge and tunnellers," and thus let everyone through.

5. Once the bouncer says "Can I help you?" there's no way in hell you're getting in.

But we all knew that already. Not that we've heard it ourselves ever ever ever.