What is going on in the UES?? Let’s flash back a minute to last year, where Yankee pitcher, Cory Lidle, crashed his plane into a high rise on 75^th and York. As of 9 p.m. last night, there has been a homocial maniac toting a meat cleaver lurking somewhere around 79^th and York. NOW, just yesterday afternoon, neighborhood favorite, Bardolino, burned down!! WHAT IS GOING ON? I can’t help but think that someone “up there” is aiming U.S.-sanctioned precision bombs right at my apartment. And just like the real thing, the whole neighborhood is going to have to go before they get it right. What does the UES have to do to appease the gods? Sacrifice a virgin socialite (do we even have those?)? Cross-breed our dogs? Take care of our own children? What must we do to STOP THE MADNESS??

[The Scripts Of New York]