There was quite a stink coming off of the Montauk Highway and it wasn’t from this guy:

In order to give you a well rounded report of the Hamptons summer night life, we briefly checked out Star Room’s party on Saturday night (The former roost of Lizzie Grubman).  At Star Room, no level of inebriation was allowing us to enjoy ourselves. There were anything but “Stars” in the Room.  We’ll let the pictures speak for themselves:

Let’s be honest here, we all have found the Hampton Jitney to be an invaluable resource at one time or another (i.e. you don’t have a car, don’t want to take the commuter rail, etc.). But it stops there. It wasn’t started with the intention of transporting cheeseballs with their toothbrush and cosmetics kit out to Star Room and back in the same evening/morning. Enough of these Paris Hilton wannabe make out out sessions.

If only the Newsday had told you what to do at this time last year, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten rejected so many damn times. We highly recommend heading their advice:

1. Don’t name drop the name Rachel Uchitel to Rachel Uchitel at the door of Dune: Her favorite line is “Rachel told me to come by.” “Dude,” she says, “I’m Rachel, and that’s the most idiotic thing you can say.”

2. Don’t roll up with six guys (must keep a good ratio!), or ask Michealangelo L’Acqua at Dune if he knows who your daddy is:“If you roll up with six guys, chances are I won’t let you in unless you’re willing to spend money for a table. I don’t like baseball caps or fraternity looks. For girls, I like it light and beachy, not a lot of makeup.” L’Acqua’s least favorite gambit: “Do you know who my dad is?

3. Just be “cool” and Binn Jakupi will let you in the door at Stereo: “People will say, ‘I’m Domenico Dolce’s cousin. I own this hotel,’” he says. “I don’t care what you own. If someone is cool and I want to take care of them, I take care of them.”

4. Don’t ask Alexander Julian at the door of Pink Elephant if he knows who you are, and for God’s sake don’t wear flip flops: Julian’s least favorite opener is “Do you know who I am?” “If you’re poorly dressed in flip-flops and khakis,” says the straight shooter at Pink Elephant, “you’re not getting in.”

5. Bring your “elegant casual” game to Bey Archer if you want in at Starroom: he doesn’t ban flip-flops. Archer says he’s looking for “elegant casual.”

A couple of mixed messages here, I’m starting to get confused. Flip-flops are ok here, then not okay there. These doormen are begginning to sound like the uber flip-flop: John Kerry. Man if only we could just be “cool”.

Looks like it’s going to be a sizzling hot summer….

We haven’t completley sussed out the situation yet, and it can be expected to continue to develop over the next couple of weeks, however, it appears that some very interesting nightclub players have teamed up to compete for the polo-jetset Hamptons crowd this summer. These types of match-ups have yet to be seen out in the East End or Manhattan for that matter. The winner of course will get it, and the losers will be left shoving bottles down the throats of the B & T/Staten Island/Queens crowd per usual.

(Back sand area of Pink Elephant. FYI, if you can get a table inside, it’s much better, outside can be cold, and not nearly as much energy or action)

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We have yet to confirm if these alliances are the result of internecine feuds, or more of a mergers and acquisitions type of situation, but because of their relative close proximity in location, we can only hope that it doesn’t create a “nightclub cannibalism” whereby the crowds are simply watered down at all places. So let it be a zero-sum game, where winner takes all. Mem day weekend often sets the tone for the rest of the summer, which is why so many of these guys are calling and emailing clients to come out…

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Marquee + Cain = Dune at old Jet East
Players: Noah Tepperberg and Jason Strauss (Marquee), and Jayma Cardosa (Cain)
Location: 1181 North Sea Road, Southampton, NY, NYDune

1181 North Sea Road Southampton, NY 11968

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Tenjune + Pink Elephant = Cabana at Capri Hotel
Players: Randy Scott (formerly of Cain), Eugene Remm, etc.
Location: 281 County Rd 39A, Southampton, NY

Stereo = Stereo by the Shore at old Tavern
Players: Mike Satsky and Brian Gefner
Location: 125 Tuckahoe Lane, Southampton, NY

Starroom = Starroom
Players: Scott Gray and Scott Storbo
Location: 378 Montauk Hwy., Wainscott, NY

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Where in the world is Jamie Mulholland? That time of year is FINALLY here… we want to know where the invites for starroom and Stereo are? We will be there every step of the way reporting on who comes out the “winner” of the summer…who has the best crowd both status-wise and looks-wise, where the best decor, music, and food is as well. We are looking forward to the seeing the best of the best at their worst and our official criteria for judging is being refined so stay posted…ruff.