Whatcha App To? The New, The Cool & The Weird

New iPhone apps keep making headlines, with functions that are both utterly useless and supremely helpful. Below is a non-exhaustive list of some newbies, some good old standbys, and some that just make you go "Huh?"

Track Your Happiness App

This app is a bit of a misnomer. It doesn't actually track your happiness as much as it helps scientists figure out what makes people feel positive and negative. The data is collected when users enter info about what they're doing and how they're feeling at random times of the day. The results: People are most unhappy when daydreaming. So how do you actually know if you're happy?  If you need an app to figure it out for you, chances are you're not.

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Pulse News Feed

This has been a top-selling news-app since it launched in May and for good reason.   It allows users to view their favorite publications, connect to their Google Reader accounts or share publications by connecting their devices together, using another app called Bump.  As of today this is free, giving you all the more reason to use it.

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Path

You want to share photos with your friends but not the 1,000 or so other associates you are connected to on Facebook?  Try Path, a new app that allows you to share your Kodak moments with only your 50 nearest and dearest.  Created by Dave Morin, who helped build Facebook Connect and the Facebook Platform, this is bound to be a hit.

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Scene Partner

Are you a waiter actor who can't find someone to rehearse with or need some last minute work on your lines before the big audition? Scene Partner lets you load scripts onto your phone and will read through lines with you.  It will also record your voice so, unlike trying to gauge your performance off the expression of a live person, you will actually be able to tell just how convincing you are at the role.

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SMS Text Replicator

iPhone users can rest easy, but those with an Android should think twice about conducting your love affairs via text.  Once inserted into your phone by your un-trusting significant other/stalker,  it will send all of your messages to their phone so they can easily spy on you.

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Cat Painter

Are you a cat lady at heart, but allergic or scared it will eat your face when you die old and alone? You can add a cat into any photo to create a loving memory of your nonexistent pet. They don't smell, there's no litter box, and you don't have to feed them. Choose one that is sitting, leaping, or obese.

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Texting While Intoxicated

Also called TWI for those who are having trouble speaking in full sentences without slurring, this app lets drunk people send their incoherent texts out to the world.  Apparently, just embarrassing yourself in front of one person via Booty Text isn't shameful enough.

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-Sim Stapler

This is a fake stapler on your phone. An old standby, Fortune Magazine named it as one of their Top 10 Must Have iPhone Apps right up their with the indispensable (???)) Woo Button though I can't think of one reason why. Is it used for the purpose of teaching people how to use the office device? Perfect for making Milton from Office Space impressions? "I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire."

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What can you look forward to?  A Japanese research team is working on one that should be available in January that will allow you to take pictures of the actual food on your plate and tell you the amount of calories. There is also work being done on an app that will tell you if you have an STD. You'll be able to simply pee on a computer chip and then insert it into your phone which will somehow be able to diagnose you. Pretty gross, but still easier than going to the doctor and helpful for nights when you've gone home with someone and want to make sure they are being honest. "Hey, can you whizz on my phone first?" isn't that sexy or romantic but it's better than herpes.

(A disclaimer of sorts: I rock a BlackBerry with a continuously busted rollerball so my knowledge of how the iPhone actually functions is limited to "How do I use this? My thumbs are too big." If I've overlooked something you feel everybody has just gotta know about, please leave it in the comments.)