Child/Tween Repellant Has Arrived!

by SAMANTHA QUEEN · March 4, 2008

mosquitoIf you have yet to hear about ultra-sonic child deterrent, read up, because it’s fresh off the boat in New York.  The genius of this idea (called the mosquito), is its ability to scatter annoying teenagers using nothing but a high-pitched, eardrum grating sound only audible to those under the age of 20.  In addition to teenagers, it would presumably keep away other annoying varieties of children, like the four-year-old that won’t stop screaming and flailing, as well as the 9-year-old who thinks she’s cooler than the hottest It Girl and insists on being verbal about it.  Anyway, if you were thinking, “Well, what about the good teenagers and children?” you wouldn’t be the first.  Across the pond, this device is drumming civil liberties groups and children’s rights advocates into action.  I can’t believe that it will take very long before we see the same debates surface here.  So, before those pansies ruin a good thing, here’s my idea:

Right now, ultra-sonic child deterrents are designed to be placed atop buildings, so as to keep teenagers (read: vandals) away from large swaths of city real estate.  I say that we make them smaller.  Much, much smaller.  And then I say that we attach them to key chains so people like me need only flick a switch to disperse a groups of teenagers shouting profanities, fighting, or otherwise being vile and obnoxious.  We could even use it to get the mother of the aforementioned four-year-old, who of course is seated right next to me, to take her little ball of misery to a different subway car.  Or at least smack him into submission.


Unfortunately, even I can see how wrong that would be and how it would be logistically difficult (I would bet you that there would be at least one ultra-sonic device in each car, banishing young people from the subway altogether).  But still … wouldn’t it be nice? 

 No, the ultra-sonic child deterrent is definitely wrong. *sigh*  Details, details.  Put it on a key chain and send it over.  STAT.