“Who Killed Michael Jackson?” By Alex Balk

From The Awl comes some of the best of Balk’s work yet, in poetic form:

“Who killed Michael Jackson?”
“I,” said the Doctor,
“From my needle he got that last Demerol shot.
I killed Michael Jackson.”

“Who saw him die?”
“I,” said TMZ,
“Well, either it was me or the guys from ET.
I saw him die.”

“Who spread the word?”
“We,” said the Herd.
“We Tweeted it along—
although we spelled his name wrong.
We spread the word.”

“Who’ll make the rounds?”
“I,” said Corey Feldman.
“It’s a sad day for me, but I’m pretty much free.
I’ll make the rounds.”

“Who’ll dig his grave?”
“We,” said the Papers,
“It’s rough and unsteady, but we’re down here already.
We’ll dig his grave.”

“Who’ll gather the eulogies?”
“We,” said the Larry King Bookers.
“In this chaotic scene we got Cher and Celine.
We’ll gather the eulogies.”

“Who’ll shed the tears?”
“I,” said Madonna.
“It might seem insincere
But I’ll cry for a year.
(Point that camera here.)
I’ll shed the tears.”

“Who’ll settle the estate?”
“We,” said the Lawyers.
“There’s not much to seize, but we’ll still bill our fees.
We’ll settle the estate.”

“Who’ll sing the song?”
“We,” said the Siblings.
“While we’re clearly much grieved, we are also relieved.
We’ll sing the song.”

“Who’ll toll the bell?”
“I,” said the Blogger
“Though I’m kind of irate that it carries such weight
There’s no way to pass up this much traffic linkbait.
I’ll toll the bell.”

And the folks on the web kept their posts right on top,
When they heard the bell toll for the poor King of Pop.

—Balk