A Rookie's Notes On The Hamptons

by Mara Siegler · August 1, 2011

This weekend I traveled to the dream land of polo shirts, boat shoes, white people and entitlement called the Hamptons. I checked out Super Saturday, Cyril's Fish House, Ruschmeyer's, and Surf Lodge, drank what could be deemed "too much," relaxed by the pool, and tried to contain my judgment. I failed.

I can count the number of times I have been to the Hamptons on both hands, so I'm a newbie. This has been my take:

A Rookie's Notes on The Hamptons:

-Every one you meet will work in finance.  If they do not work in finance, they most likely have a trust fund and classify their job as the ultra generalized, entrepreneur.

-Everyone has more money than you. Get over it or fake it. People introduce themselves with their middle and last names, and in special cases numbers, to remind you of this fact.

-Speaking of this, conversations are not meant to get to know you. They are meant to display how much wealth a person has in order to 1) try and sleep with you and 2) make themselves feel better about their own existence. Trips they have taken, places they have been, things they own, finance stuff, who they know and more are meant to display their personal Haves from someone else's Have Not status.  These are all acceptable topics, as well as charities involved in or donated to, just to balance things slightly.

-Polo shirts and khakis are the fashion uniform for men. High heels and dresses are the way to go for girls. Items with whales on them and in pastel colors, with big branded logos are cooler than anything else you could possibly wear.  Argyle also works. WASP is very in, as is Expensive. Hipster-ish fashion has also made it's way out east in the form of beards and plaid shirts, meaning the trend should be officially over anytime.

-Everyone is trying to get laid. People hit on other people more than in the city. Maybe it's because, despite seeing the same people every week at the same spots out east, it feels like vacation because it's sunny and there is sand? Maybe not. One thing is certain, if you are female, no matter what you look like, the average time it will take from the moment you walk into a  club before someone hits on you is less than a minute.

-Neighborhoods are just as important and meaningful as in the city. I'm not sure the exact sterotypical breakdown, but I do know these important facts: Montauk is where the so-called Hamptsters play, and East Hampton is where P Diddy lives. Southhampton is where all the crowded nightclubs are that rock booming music and are filled with those who wear hair gel and high heels to parties on the beach. There is also a hierarchy when it comes to amount of time spent in the Hamptons, the length of time you have been going out, and if you own a summer house or just rented a share.

-NYC is loosely defined. Actual conversation I had:

Me: Do you live in the city?

Man in polo shirt: Yeah.

Me: Where?

MIPS: Greenwich.

Me: Village?

MIPS: Connecticut.

-Like summer camp, everyone is active. Unlike summer camp, it's in the most obnoxious ways possible. You don't just go running, you go running at "high noon," before brewskis by the pool with your friends Sanderson and Blaire.   You play bocce and are looking for a double's partner. Polo is basically the equivalent of basketball, everyone plays. Or you surf or golf, which are standard.

-Entitlement is the name of the game. People may have been raised with all the resources to turn them into fine, upstanding citizens, brimming with class, but some just got snobby and catty. Last time I was there, a woman in the bathroom told another woman, "I like your outfit," genuinely, and the woman responded "It's (some designer, I didn't know). Do you even know who that is?" This was followed by a hair flip, a haughty laugh, and hair pulling brawl in front of the sink. This weekend, someone tried to take our parking spot, but we were aggressive enough to get it. A woman got out of the car, raged her way over to the window and yelled to "Move now." When we said no, she wanted to fight, but was pulled back by who I am assuming is her boyfriend (which side note to you: break up with this girl. It can only lead to future problems.) and stopped her as she yelled "You'll pay for this. Yoooouuu'llll paaayyyy!!!!!!"

-Despite all of this, it's really fun. The places are a good time, there's lots of dancing, the drinks flow, the houses are pretty, the pools are cool, the beach is gorgeous, and as with everywhere you go, there are normal, decent people in the mix.