Adam 12 taught us a thing or two about how to hype your own party last week with a hilariously judgmental list of what would not be at his AFEX '83-'95 Hip Hop Classics shindig. While we wholeheartedly support at least 95% of his chosen targets (save for Jersey Shore), we'd like to take it a little bit further. In honor of Adam 12's quest to rid the bar/club scene of its limitless horror, here are 3 popular songs that should never, under any circumstances, be played again.
Ke$ha - "Take It Off"
Although I strongly and steadfastly support our First Amendment right to free speech, I also believe that Ke$ha should be put in prison for the rest of her natural life. During the trial, I will open my case by playing "Take It Off," perhaps the most disturbing song I've had to suffer through this year. With a chorus derived (read: stolen) from a playground song about French women in their underwear, "Take It Off" has all of the creativity of a Simpsons porn parody with even less sex appeal. Look, I get that it's supposed to be kind of trashy, and make you feel a little dirty. But I assume they were going for "sexy touching on the dance floor" dirty and not "trailer park gang bang" dirty, which is where it ends up. And if you ever needed proof that music journalists are just filling page space, go to Metacritic and read the attempts to over-intellectualize this album. "Deconstructing pop norms," eh, The Phoenix? Why do I feel like the only thing Ke$ha might have deconstructed lately is a bottle of Valtrex?
Black Eyed Peas - "The Time"
Above, I joked that Ke$ha should be put in prison for her crimes against society. If this is true, then we'd need to convene a military tribunal for the Black Eyed Peas and fly them to a secret Turkish prison until they agree to never make music again. Even for the group that brought you "Boom Boom Pow," "The Time" represents a new low, with that low being the fact that they took the song FROM DIRTY FREAKIN DANCING and gave it the Black Eyed Peas treatment, which means they added a backbeat and some lyrics about doing shots. Try to think of it like this: if I take beloved children's book Where The Wild Things Are, draw sunglasses on all of the characters, and then put my name on the front and attempt to sell that book under the title Wild Things (Oh yeah!), I have not created a new children's book. Instead, what I have done in this scenario is taken a steaming dump on something that people already loved and crassly exploited it for personal gain.
The fact that the Black Eyed Peas are playing the halftime show at the Super Bowl this year is profoundly depressing. Seriously? Was John Cougar Mellencamp on sabbatical or something? We finally take a break from over-the-hill white guys with guitars and this was the best we could come up with?
On the plus side, here's a picture of Fergie peeing her pants onstage.
Pink - "Raise Your Glass"
This song, and Pink in general, is guilty of one of the most obnoxious new trends in music, wherein music by and for drunken girls attempts to claim that it's in some way empowering women. We're party girls! We'll never apologize for being loud! We're dirty freaks! As Gloria Steinem would surely agree, female empowerment has traditionally been more about ensuring that women get equal pay for equal work in a workplace free from harassment and discrimination, and less about the right to blow being with three different guys in one night and not feel guilty about it. It sincerely worries me that someone like Pink thinks they're actually serving as a positive role model for young girls, when that job is best left to volleyball coaches. Go fly a kite, Pink.
All of this is without even talking about "Raise Your Glass" itself, which seems like it was written by asking a 13-year old girl to write what she thinks should be in a song about parties. "Don't be fancy, just get dance-y"?? Even writing that line down in order to quote it makes me feel deeply embarrassed. The fact that Pink sings it with no apparent shame should tell you everything you need to know.