"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" A Brushup On 4th Of July Pool Party Etiquette

by Alex Gilman · July 1, 2011

4th Of July Weekend is finally upon us. Naturally, you're putting in your last full day before the three-day weekend, even staying late in the office if you have to in order to make sure every "i" is dotted, because the American workforce is full of can-do team players that never quit until the job is... hey wait, where are you going? You're leaving already? It's not even noon! Well, before you go, a question: you're not, by chance, going to a pool party this weekend, are you? Because I hear you don't do so well at pool parties.

It's nothing personal—lots of people don't know proper pool party etiquette. And while I could break it down in full detail for you, I know you're trying to get out of here. So take a glance at a few of our helpful pool party tips, and take it from there:

Don't Wear Jeans

Might as well start at the beginning. You see how this guy has to roll up his jeans? That's because jeans are hot. But, they've just invented pants that are "rolled-up" all the time. They're called shorts, and some of them are even made specifically for swimming in! You see where we're going here?

Don't Stare

Another benefit of these so-called "bathing suits" is that sexy people look sexy in them. And while no one would argue that taking in the sights is part of a pool party, there's a very fine line between appreciating the beauty around you and getting pepper-sprayed because there's no way to hide a boner in a bathing suit. So take it easy, perv. Staring limits are a half-second without sunglasses, and 3 seconds with sunglasses (and that's pushing it).

Ladies: No Heels With Bikinis

Unless you're also shooting a machine gun. I shouldn't even have to explain this: unless you plan on hitting up Hollywood Blvd after the party and earning a few bucks, there's just no earthly reason why you should wear heels and a bathing suit.

Always Be Safe

Your pride is not worth dying for. If you're not a strong swimmer, don't be afraid to wear flotation accessories, be it a life vest, snorkel, water wings, or a particularly buoyant-looking mustache.

Happy 4th Of July, Everybody!