"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" A Guide To Getting Funky For Kim Kardashian

by Alex Gilman · February 10, 2011

So just in case you've somehow neglected to set up a Google Alert for "Prince + Kim Kardashian + embarrassing disaster," we hit the trifecta earlier this week, when video surfaced of the Symbol himself banishing Our Lady Of The Perpetual Buttocks from his concert stage. Her crime? Not being funky enough.

Here's the video of Prince booting Kim:

So was my second favorite Minnesotan (sorry, I just love Governor Jesse Ventura) out of line? While I'm sure anyone that's had to sit through more than one episode of "Kim and Khloe Go Kamping", or whatever that garbage is called, would argue that nothing that happens to Kim could be considered unfair, I'm not so sure I agree. See, just like you can't get mad at an untrained puppy for not knowing how to use a toilet, we can't get mad at a spoiled celebutante from Calabasas for not knowing how to be funky.

Luckily for Kim, we're here to help with a few tips via the always funky Adam-12 and DJ Kev E Kev and their AFEX party last week at Crane's Hollywood Tavern. Study up, Kim, and you'll be sharing the stage with winners in no time:

Express Yourself

Kim, I don't know how to say this without sounding mean, but here goes: sometimes, you kind of come off like you're worried about what people think of you. And that kind of self-consciousness is what makes someone stand frozen onstage at Madison Square Garden like some kind of sex-doll scarecrow while a 5'2" music legend berates them. Kim, here's the good news: we already don't like you. Your combination of plastic artificial sexiness and cloying E!-network omnipresence makes you unpalatable to men and women alike. So you've really got nothing to lose. You know why other people look like they're having carefree fun when they dance? Because they are. Give it a try sometime.

Find A Suitable Companion

It's not my job to tell you who to spend your time with. But since you asked, do you really think spending your time with C-list athletes and "borderline racist" models is doing you, or them, any favors? Put it this way: when you started dating Reggie Bush, he was a Southern California icon, a Heisman trophy winner, and a potential future NFL MVP. Now he's a SoCal pariah who set the USC program back 5 years, his Heisman has been stripped, and most teams wouldn't trade a bag of sweaty thigh pads for him. I'm not saying your lovin' is responsible for this. But I'm not not saying it either.

Why don't you make your mom happy and find a nice Armenian boy who's learning to take over his father's jewelry business/BMW dealership? Like we said before: you're not funky if you're faking it.

Know When To Fold 'Em

Sometimes, you're just not gonna feel the funk. And that's okay, because part of being truly funky is knowing when you just don't got it. Believe it or not, Prince spends at least two nights a week sipping a fine Barolo, playing Scrabble, brushing up on his Golden Age Russian literature, or otherwise just taking it down a notch. He would never, ever force the funk, and neither should you.