"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" A Guide To The Indigenous Sharks Of The Standard Rooftop

by Alex Gilman · June 1, 2011

With Memorial Day come and gone, we are officially in the midst of summer, and congratulations are in order. After all, we've all avoided the many dangers of an L.A. winter: being buried alive in an avalanche, freezing to death in our beds, and perhaps most importantly, being brutally mauled by one of the many Polar Bears that wander up and down Santa Monica Blvd during the cold season. But nothing too safe is ever fun, and indeed, summer brings its own varieties of deadly predators. Which is why we risked our own lives at the Swimming With Sharks pool party on the roof of The Standard Downtown to bring you a field guide to the dangers that lurk within.

Jell-O Shark

A dweller of mid-to-large-sized social gatherings, the Jell-O Shark preys mercilessly on gelatinized vodka, especially when it's free. Noted for its insatiable appetite, the Jell-O Shark has been known to down up to 10 Jell-O shots at once, with small glands in its body storing the extra alcohol for a time later in the evening when the booze runs out. Though not a naturally aggressive shark, the Jell-O Shark is often emboldened when its vodka storage is close to maximum capacity, and it has been known at these times to hunt for extra drinks, behave aggressively, and try to smoke in the elevator. Natural enemies include That Bitch Over There Who Keeps Giving Me That Look, and the Embarrassed Boyfriend.

Fuzzy Sharks

Completely, utterly harmless, the Fuzzy Sharks are, like, just here to have a good time, man. That whole  "killing to eat" gig? It's a drag. Fuzzy Sharks prefer the nutrition they can get from some sticky green leaves and the occasional brownie, and generally find their sustenance before they can be found swimming with the other sharks, or else they swim over to the back stairwell when the bouncer's not looking. Never the most naturally deadly swimmers, Fuzzy Sharks like to stay put somewhere, preferably in a little bit of shade, where they can get all of their friends to feel how soft their hat is without being disturbed. And have you seen this talking dog video on YouTube? Hold on, I'll pull it up for you, dude, you gotta see this.

Bowtie Shark

Scientists are unsure what biological advantage the Bowtie Shark gains from its natural plaid coloring and bowtie-like appendage. Surely, evolution, in its infinite wisdom, has a reason for making the Bowtie Shark look like Christian Bale if he stole Orlando Bloom's facial hair and joined the Nation of Islam. But we can't figure it out.

The Less-Than-Great White Shark

Did you know that in order to be considered a "Great" White Shark, a White Shark must first prove its moves on the dance floor? In the event of a less than perfect groove, the White Shark is cast away from the pack, to dance alone, until it gains the skills necessary to rejoin the school, or until it dies. Without giving away which fate is in store for this particular guy, let's just say I wouldn't bet on him rejoining the school anytime soon.