As you already know, Esquire magazine is not secretly gay. Not gay at all. And because there's nothing more secure than loudly declaring your sexuality to everyone, they've decided to hold a little tournament in honor of March Madness, since everyone knows that sports are only for straight people. So now we find ourselves in the middle of the Sexiest Woman Alive Tournament, a bro-tastic competition sure to steal precious hours from studying for Intro To Econ classes on campuses nationwide. More importantly, it will answer for me what has become a central question: can I completely scorn this in concept and still get unduly upset about who wins? Let's find out!
For a little background, the 64 team field has now been reduced to 32. I say 'team' because Esquire, in its infinite wisdom, has opted to enter some groups of women as a single competitive entity. This makes perfect sense, especially when the entrant is the "Cast of Glee" or "Hoda and Kathie Lee," since everyone knows that fratty bros the world over can't get enough Glee and/or The Today Show. One might argue that there was space here for (depending on seeding) Snooki and/or JWoww, but, of course, the 45-year old men who write Esquire don't even know what a Jersey Shore is, thank you very much. And herein lies the problem with most of this feature: when you're forcing a concept you're naturally uninterested in because you think it's what people want to see, you're going to end up placing Katy Perry as a 1-Seed. Yes, the same Katy Perry whose husband, Russell Brand, is a 16-Seed (get it?).
KATRINA BOWDEN (10) def Padma Lakshmi (7)
And then there's this travesty. Now, it could be argued that choosing the semi-mute girl from 30 Rock over the Angel of Bravo represents a serious populist move for Esquire, one that must have gone against their 45-year old judgment. But are you kidding me? Padma is a vision, radiant in her embodiment of the full life cycle, bringing life into this world, and also emotionlessly ending the dreams of one chef-testant at a time, as she tells them to pack their knives and GTFO. Oh, how the Esquire editors must have clutched their copies of The Satanic Verses to their chests as they realized voting was turning against fair Padma! A disgrace.
NATALIE PORTMAN (5) DEF Jennifer Lawrence (12)
Isn't Jennifer Lawrence 17 years old? Well, IMDB says she's 22, but I don't believe it. I wonder which honor Nat will hold more closely, an Academy Award win, or a head-to-head win in Esquire's "Who Would You Drill?" competition over an underage girl?
KATY PERRY (1) DEF Elin Nordegren (16)
I don't have a huge problem with Katy Perry. I do, however, have a huge problem with giving Elin a 16-seed. Let's see, she's a Scandinavian model with half of Tiger Woods' money who's not afraid to go upside someone's head with a golf club. Explain to me how she's an underdog to someone who can't spell the word "gurls"? Well, Elin didn't beat Katy in the competition, but watch out, Katy: there's always the chance she'll beat you with a 9-iron instead.