"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Anthony, Put Your Weiner Away

by Alex Gilman · June 17, 2011

Yesterday, former congressman Anthony Weiner brought yet another exceedingly boring political sex scandal to an end with his resignation from office. While the press conference had a few moments of levity thanks to a Howard Stern-fan heckler who yelled out a few, um, specific questions about the Penis Tweeted Around The World, the whole affair was as lame as it was predictable. And the question again becomes: why, for any reason, would you voluntarily put a picture of your penis on the internet?

Posting a penis on the internet is like bringing sand to the beach. A quick search (which I am going to refrain from doing, for mental health reasons) would surely reveal that penises of all shapes, sizes and colors are already right there for your perusal. Whatever it is you think makes your penis unique, even if it has a 90° bend, or you put a hat and sunglasses on it, or it kind of looks like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, has most likely already been done, photographed, and catalogued on Google Image Search. I hate to say it like this, but your penis is nothing special. If it were, you would already be getting paid to let other people take pictures of it. [photo via]

But I guess, having never in my life sent a picture of my penis to anyone, friend or foe, that I just don't understand the primal compulsion that drives some men to fire up the laptop and send out some D-Mail.

I have, however, talked to several girls, whose opinions I trust, and they assure me that getting a text/tweet/email with an attachment of a man's attachment is, on the turn-on scale, somewhere between changing diapers and watching a shirtless Bruce Vilanch do jumping jacks. So let's maybe come up with a few ideas on how Anthony can control his raging hormones the next time he gets the urge:

Use a Shake Weight

The perfect middle ground between constructively applying his sexual energy and you-know-what-ing one last time like a death row inmate. Best of all, he can keep that physique he's so proud of intact.

Go Hollywood

Do you know what they call a movie producer who likes to send pictures of his penis to random strangers? A movie producer. Hell, in this town, a little harmless clothed junk shot wouldn't even disqualify you from the School Board. Join us in L.A., Anthony, and we can write a high-concept West Wing style political drama, only with way more sex and nudity, and sell it to Showtime. Wait, this is a really good idea. [photo via]

Run For Re-Election

A cat is a cat, a dog is a dog, and a slightly nerdy Congressman with a genital oversharing problem will always be that, too. Just because he had to resign, for propriety, that doesn't mean he can't get re-elected. Maybe the best solution is to run.

After all, as you well know, Anthony, you can't keep a good weiner down. And there, we just nailed your campaign slogan!

[top photo via]