I opened my eyes at 3 am this morning and sat bolt upright in bed. A world-changing, dramatic event was about to happen, and I was going to be a part of it. What I mean by this, of course, is that I really had to pee. Once that was accomplished, I immediately returned to bed like a normal, sane human being, and I slept for five additional hours.
This morning, of course, I woke up to the exciting news that an extraordinarily wealthy and inbred man-child had successfully spent an estimated £5 billion of public money to accomplish the same basic human task that can be done for $75 (plus tip) in the lobby of Binion's in downtown Las Vegas. Don't get me wrong; I wanted to be happy for William and Kate, but I was having trouble finding my angle on the whole thing, the element that I could identify with or relate to. "Well," said Emily, "what about the gigantic hats?"
Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer.
For those into the whole "giant hat" thing, the Royal Wedding was surely the premier entertainment destination of the calendar year, and one of the few opportunities we'll ever get to see church hats that might make Tyler Perry blush. With the bride getting married in an Alexander McQueen dress and the wedding cake being made with 20 pounds of pure Afghan Opium (or so I'm told), this was clearly meant to be a more modern, stylish affair, and it would seem that the female guests responded by wearing the kind of elaborately fabulous clothing that's usually worn by their husbands in the privacy of their own homes. But don't take my word for it!
In one of the day's more demure offerings, the ladies of the royal family of Spain were keeping it monotone. Princess Letizia (hint: the younger one) seems to have acquired the dress and hat that Mary Tyler Moore was buried in (is she dead?) [Editor's Note: NO, Alex, Mary Tyler Moore is very much alive and well, you ass!] whereas Queen Sofia is doing a Lady Bird Johnson thing. Did you know LBJ used have cabinet meetings while he was sitting on the toilet, to intimidate his underlings? This obviously has no contextual application here, but it's pretty awesome, right?
During the ceremony, the Duchess of Cornwall was strapped to the satellite broadcast antenna, where her hat was expected to amplify the signal enough to reach all the way to the British astronauts on the International Space Station, allowing them to join the festivities. Let it never be said that the Royal Family doesn't give back to their people.
Hey look, it's that guy that kicks things, professionally! And he's brought his wife, who used to be in a pop group about having fun but hasn't smiled in the last 10 years. Seriously, is Posh Spice even trying to hide the fact that she's an evil zombie robot anymore? I'm pretty sure that's the exact hat that the witch who poisoned Sleeping Beauty wore.
As they've done for years, the Princesses of York took the cake. Princess Eugenie dazzled with what appears to be an entire endangered California Condor perched atop a blue Peter Pan hat, while Princess Beatrice was kind enough to account for the sight lines of those seated behind her by equipping her hat with a viewing window. Seriously, though, was there supposed to be something in the middle of that oval? A portrait, perhaps, or a gigantic emerald, or something? All I know is, had I been a guest at the wedding, there's no way I wouldn't have made a paper airplane out of the Royal program and tried to get it through the hoop. Do you suppose that's why I don't get invited to things like this?
Gentlemen that they are, at the conclusion of the ceremony, Prince William held the door open for everyone, while Prince Harry took everyone's bags up to their rooms. Remember, tipping isn't required, but if you appreciate the service, it is customary.