LA: we're back in business. After suffering through the merciless Southern California winter, where temperatures were known to dip into the godless 40's, it was understandable that a lot of us were starting to feel like common, perpetually miserable east coasters. And eff that, right? But here, finally, some good news. It's going to be 78 bright, beautiful degrees today, and when the Dodgers take the field tomorrow at 5pm for Opening Day, it's going to be in the 80's. But before you sweep the papers off your desk, punch your boss in the face, and run outside, we have a word of caution- you're not ready.
Don't take it as an insult, friends. We're simply saying that, as the rain beat down on you and sub-60's temperatures chilled your bones, you adapted. It's a natural human imperative. Hell, we even helped out with some advice. But now that's all over with, and you need to get back in summer form. Fear not, courageous partygoers: as always, we're here for you, with some do's and don'ts featuring our friends at the always lively Check Yo Ponytail 2...
DO return your trenchcoat to the hobo you stole it from
We're not saying there won't be at least one more cold night. But from now on, you'd rather be the person shivering on the random cold night than the person soaked in your own sweat on a normal, pleasant night. And while your 35-pocket, ankle-length Ukrainian army duster was kind of a hip statement in January, it's a little out of place in July. If you're just too goddamn hip and you can't go out in public without some kind of layering, don't fret: there's tons of light sweaters, track jackets and longsleeve T's still at your disposal. Just remember: sweating like you've been recently poisoned isn't cool no matter what your fashion is.
Don't dress in all black
I mean, we get it: you're a child of eternal darkness, you refuse to wear overpriced designer labels, you still listen to The Cure: that's all great. Just great. Only thing is, even emo party vampires have to go buy toilet paper sometimes, and when the sun is mercilessly beating down on you in the Big Lots parking lot, black leather pants are going to seem like a pretty bad idea. Luckily, you can still tell the world you don't care about consumer culture by buying Wrangler jean shorts from Ross. Remember, the goal is to look like the Wicked Witch of the West, not to melt like her.
DO bring your dad to the party
Winter, in many ways, is the great equalizer: unless you're trying to ski Aspen or some other white people bullshit, most people are pretty content with dry clothes, hot coffee, and maybe an afternoon at the movies. Bad weather lowers our expectations and makes almost any excursion fun because it's invariably better than sitting around the house. Nice weather on the other hand, raises expectations: after the first few days, it's not enough to simply lay out in the backyard or go for a walk. And if you're not rich, you have to up the stakes with increasingly risky behavior, which can lead to criminal charges and Hepatitis. A better solution? Invite dear old dad out for some summer fun. He'll be so psyched to get out of the house that he'll surely treat you to a big, delicious meal, buy you some new summer duds, or just a good frosty beer. You can always rob that 7-Eleven on your own time.
Not really weather related. Just- don't.