So I don't know if you guys went outside yesterday, but if you did, I hope you were wearing your water wings, because it was seriously wet out there. But Alex, you say, pretty much all you do is make fun of New Yorkers for complaining about the weather. This is true. Luckily, one thing I've never been hypocritical about is what a gigantic hypocrite I am. So, let's put my moral relativism to good use and use these photos from the Beyond Wonderland music festival (remember, it's not a rave if we don't call it a rave!) to hand out some helpful advice on adjusting our dress code for the new, perpetually underwater Los Angeles.
No Sleeves, No Survival
You might think this is fairly self-explanatory, but in a country where "Two And A Half Men" is (was?) the most popular show on television, it never hurts to be direct. As the freezing floodwaters continue to rise, and we are all forced to make the hard choices necessary for survival (helpful tip: any child under 8 years old is as cumbersome and useless as a backpack full of cinder blocks- save yourself and repopulate the new society!), one thing we're going to need to do is stay warm. Thus, you're going to want to dress in warm layers that can easily be swapped out as you are attacked by the relentless, merciless rain. Sure, that silver bikini seems cool now, but you're not going for an afternoon dip in the pool: this is your entire life for the foreseeable future. Bros, this goes double for you and your sleeveless shirts, which were not acceptable even in the old society. Sorry!
Here's something the ravers are already doing right! For the new generation of LA residents who have never known anything but the Great Flood, color coding your clothing to increase visibility for friends, relatives and the Coast Guard will be like locking the door before they go out- an automatic response. For those of us that remember the sun, it will be a little harder to adapt. So always remind yourself before you leave the house: is my shirt bright enough to light a room on its own? How many colorful bead bracelets and necklaces am I wearing? Keep a glowstick count handy, and always resupply when you're running low.
Befriend The Power Rangers
I'll confess, I didn't even realize that this was an option before looking through these photos. However, I now strongly recommend that everyone look into becoming friends with their very own team of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. With their kung-fu skills, any one of them can keep you safe from low-level riots and looting, and their precision-engineered robotic animal transports should keep you high and dry (unlike, for example, my Ford, which had about three inches of standing water on the passenger side this morning. Side note: what the fuck, Ford?). And in a real pinch, they can always morph together to form Megazord, which would absolutely beast the morning traffic on the 10. So go go Power Rangers!