"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" How To Subsidize Your Coachella Tickets

by Alex Gilman · January 20, 2011

It's no secret we've come down with a serious case of Coachella fever over the last 24 hours, due in no small part to our majestic and terrifying psychic powers. Unfortunately for L.A.'s actor/waiter/freelancer underclass, there's still one daunting problem standing between them and three days of sex, drugs and rock n' roll—Coachella is really freakin' expensive. And you're not allowed to sleep in the port-a-john, either. And weed doesn't grow on trees—or at least, you can't pick it for free. So what's a starving artist to do? Well, we have a few ideas.

Option #1: Layaway

That's right, kids, it's not just for big screen TV's and dental work anymore! Starting with last year's festival, Coachella actually gives you the option of spreading your ticket out over multiple credit cards or multiple payments on a single card. Sure, your student loans are piling up and your card was declined at Starbucks yesterday, but at least you got to see Kings of Leon!

Seriously, though, as far as bad ideas go, putting a concert ticket you can't afford on layaway has got to be way up on the list, in no small part because that indicates you won't be able to afford any of the good drugs once you get there. What are you supposed to do, suffer through a Chemical Brothers set SOBER? See, you've got to think these things through.

If you do insist on using the layaway feature, at least make sure you pay the balance off before the show. Because what if you don't get laid, or you get heat stroke or something, and then you have to come home and make another payment? That would really suck.

Option #2: A Life of Crime

I'm not saying I advocate going on a statewide murder/robbery campaign. I'm not saying that. But I am saying that these tickets are pricey. So, y'know, do what you gotta do. Are you saying Bright Eyes isn't worth killing for?

But here's some advice: know that when you get arrested and put on trial, you will be known as the "Coachella Killer." They will make a Lifetime (or God forbid, MTV) Original Movie about you and portray you as a callow slacker whose easygoing demeanor hid a dark obsession with singer/songwriter Conor Oberst. They'll show you reading Catcher In The Rye, even if you don't actually like that book. Bright Eyes will write a song about you for the movie, but like all Bright Eyes songs, it will sound as if Conor Oberst might break down and cry at any time during the song. Thus, it will not get you laid.

Option #3: Ask For A Million Dollars

Why not just ask the internet for a million dollars? It worked for this fucking kid. Not that I'm bitter. But hey, if any big millionaire GofG fans want to give me a million dollars, that'd be cool. I'll take you to Coachella (we'll split the gas). You bring the drugs.