"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" Ranking The Best Childhood Pool Toys For Partying

by Alex Gilman · July 13, 2011

The party scene seems to be all about regression these days. We get absurdly drunk so that we can be spontaneous like we were at 7 or 8, pay ridiculous amounts of money to do gussied-up versions of stuff we did as kids, like bowling, swimming, and carnival games, and half of these hipsters are wearing the exact same t-shirts they did 20 years ago.

So yeah, I think it's safe to say that we're retroactively addressing some issues that cropped up during childhood.

But if we're stuck in one of those life-loops, the least we can do is not repeat our mistakes, right? Like with pool toys: I personally regret every godforsaken minute I spent playing with bullshit pool toys, like pool noodles. The pool noodle exists for no purpose other than to grow mold. It doesn't really float, and if you put your mouth to one end to blast water at your buddies, you will get poolAIDS and die. Sure, it's great fun to swing the thing like a giant club and completely deck someone, but then you always got in trouble, and had to sit time-out while your friends did all the fun stuff, like diving competitions and peeing in the pool.

Let's use The Cobra Snake's photos of Absolut Swim at Skybar to see how well we've chosen our pool toys/games this second time around.

Inflatable Rafts

Interesting choice. One would think rafts are more designed for afternoon lounging, and not necessarily the best for a drunken, debaucherous pool party. That is, of course, unless the party becomes so debaucherous that everyone starts pairing up and doing it on the rafts, which I imagine becomes a bit of a balance issue. But since there's no photos of that (and since I know that The Cobra Snake wouldn't hesitate to photograph it), I'm assuming it didn't happen. Therefore, inflatable rafts = poor choice.

Pool Shark

Now we're talking. As something you can float on or bludgeon your friends with, the pool shark exists in a clear category above the raft. Plus, he's uniquely shaped if the party goes in that sexy direction we were discussing. Really, the only downside to this pool shark is that he's not a shark at all, but appears to be some sort of Killer Whale.

Chicken Fights

Here's something you should already know: any time, anywhere there's ever been a chicken fight, it's been a transparent excuse for a guy to have a girl's legs around his head. Ever.

By the way, that's not a criticism. Chicken fights are amazing for that exact reason. I'm just saying.

Captain's Hat

It's only a fetish if you can keep yourself from thinking about Ernest Borgnine.

Sidenote to the shirtless guy: are you a 15-year-old girl taking her MySpace photo? If I find out you deliberately moved that one little lock of hair so it would hang down over your forehead, I'm coming after you.

Chicks In Leopard Print

Not pool toys per se, but hard to take seriously as well.

Vodka

The greatest pool toy of all. As long as your name isn't Jeff Buckley.

[all photos via Cobrasnake]