"Best $2k I Ever Spent!" The Ancient Dojo Secret Of Dim Mak Tuesdays

by Alex Gilman · January 28, 2011

For those of you who thought it was the lyrics to a Muppets song, the 'Dim Mak' from 'Dim Mak Tuesdays' actually represents the ancient and feared 'touch of death' martial arts technique. While we're not saying Steve Aoki can kill you with a single touch, we're not about to challenge the guy to hand-to-hand combat, either. And it seems he's been using his weekly party as a training dojo, teaching deadly techniques to the crowd. We sent an undercover operative to investigate...

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Here we see a young ninja in the middle of a devastating backflip spin kick. You will notice only two people watching him execute this move. This is because the first time he tried it, in the middle of the dance floor, he kicked some poor hipster's head right off of his bony shoulders. The party didn't stop, because Dim Mak Tuesdays shows no mercy, but after that, the hipsters stayed away from this guy. Blood and plaid don't really go well together.

Successful execution of the Touch of Death requires extremely deliberate hand and finger placement. Only a true master in complete control of every minute function of his or her own body could hope to attain the precision necessary to execute this astonishingly complicated maneuver. These two goobers are way off.

This guy, on the other hand, is a level 7 black belt master, which means that he is essentially one with the universe. His Touch of Death technique is perfect. This is why he can get away with wearing those glasses.

Masters of the Deadly Arts can also blow flaming breath at their opponents, which you may have seen in the documentary film Mortal Kombat. You may have also seen this girl's top in that film, but a different character was wearing it as a hat, which is its actual purpose.

The master teaches, "we must learn to be still before we can learn to move." This young novice was forced to hold in this exact position, unmoving, for the entire night. After he does this for an entire year, he will be allowed to move up to Apprentice Barback. The life of a nightclub ninja is long and arduous.

I am unclear what magic is keeping this girl from running away from this bearded creeper. Clearly, he has some ancient and powerful secret.

Like all Dim Mak Tuesdays, this one ended in a fight to the death. As you can see, the White Gloves ninja was using a very powerful magic fireball technique. Unfortunately for him, it takes a long time for the fireball to generate, and his opponent, the Giant Man-Earring Ninja, was able to spin-kick him into a pit of poisonous snakes (you didn't know they had a pit of snakes at Cinespace?). Dim Mak Tuesdays shows no mercy.