It's four days after Cinco de Mayo, and if you're anything like us, you can still kind of taste the tequila when you burp. If, however, you happen to be the kind of person who consumed a little more carefully on our favorite Americanized Mexican holiday, we have one simple request: don't judge us. Anyway, in return for your courtesy, we'll do you a favor as well for whenever you decide to give our lifestyle a shot—a handy visual guide to tequila intoxication, categorized by the facial expression of partygoers at Harvard and Stone. Hope it helps!
On Cinco De Mayo, a water bottle in hand means one of two things: either you're so far gone that you've transcended booze, or that you haven't even started yet. By observing a few key details- this girl is standing upright, her glasses are intact and undamaged, her clothing has no visible tears, blood, or puke stains—I'm guessing this young lady has not yet begun to Tequila.
The first one always catches you off guard a little bit. It's almost as if the flavor of tequila was designed to slap you around a little, to let you know it plays for keeps. This young lady looks like she just realized it was going to be a long, long night.
Now it's time to get silly. Novelty hats? Throw 'em on. Licking your best friend's face? Seemed like a good idea at the time! Depending on how many people liked you before everyone started drinking, you will either be the life of the party at this phase, or extremely freaking annoying. Also, you will feel so good that you will be very excited to continue drinking tequila. There won't really be any way to talk you out of it, but you are headed down a dark path.
You now realize what a thin line there is between "fun, happy" tequila consumption and "throw the body in the ocean and let's get the fuck out of here" tequila consumption. But, it's too late: you're already in Lizard Brain mode, where the Cuervo has disrupted all communication between your human brain and your face/body. Now, the emergency backup system kicks in, the most primitive part of your entire consciousness. This is why you are now sitting in the corner, staring right through people. Most of your friends will be creeped out, and they will leave you be. But some of them will encourage you to keep drinking. This may not seem like a good idea, because you're already blacking out. But you're already blacking out! Tomorrow's going to suck either way, so you might as well push through, because one more shot and then you get to...
Five Tequilas: SUPER TEQUILA PARTY MODE!
The promised land. In SUPER TEQUILA PARTY MODE!, you are invincible. You are surrounded by people who love you. The party never stops. The music's never been better. Hey, is that the guy from Hot Tub Time Machine?
We'll gloss over the effects of Tequilas 6-11, but let's just say that if you've ever seen the projectile vomiting scene from Problem Child 2, you know what's about to happen. Don't stress it, it's all in the game.
And next year, you'll be ready.