It's Friday, and you've probably got a lot on your mind. Maybe you're one of the few people in this town that actually does real, 9-5 work for a living, and tonight is your first chance all week to let loose and have some fun. Or maybe you're an everyday party rat, and tonight represents your last chance to really blow the roof off before the out-of-towners overrun everything on Saturday. Either way, you've got a lot to decide: where to go, what to wear, what depraved sex acts you're going to attempt to perform on a yet-unmet random. Allow us to take one decision off of your plate: you're going to be rocking an adult onesie tonight.
No need to thank us, we're just doing our job.
If you've perused our recap of the OnePiece opening gala last week, you already know that we as a city have now boldly crossed the toddler-clothes threshold, and are now, as a unit, totally okay with wearing giant adult onepiece outfits in public. Perhaps, however, you're a somewhat self-regarding fashionista who's concerned that you'll look silly in what amounts to adult pajamas. Well, for starters, go to hell, you stuck-up, self-conscious a-hole! But we'll address your concerns regardless. Here's three reasons why it's cool to rock a onesie:
1. You Can Still Skank It Up
Look, we're all shallow bitches (no offense?). So we wouldn't recommend any item of clothing that couldn't, with some careful doctoring, still show the maximum amount of skin allowed by your dermatologist. As our mesh-bedecked friend up above demonstrates, a onesie is practically an ironclad excuse to strip down above the waist without having to find a place to safely store your shirt, which is a huge advantage. Plus, "if" you end up up going home with some stranger, your walk of shame leaving his/her place in a onesie the following day will be no more embarrassing than your walk of shame into the front door of the club the previous night!
Look ladies, you've always wanted to look like Julia Roberts. You're just going to have to settle for looking like Julia Roberts in the first 10 minutes of Pretty Woman.
2. You Can Wear a Diaper Underneath
If it seems like these ladies look like they're in the middle of something right now, they kinda are- they're peeing?! See, a onesie gives you pleennnnnty of room to rock a full-size, adult diaper right underneath. Not only does this complete the "grown-up kid" look you're going for, but it's an absolute godsend in today's crowded, endless-bathroom-line nightlife scene. Don't be embarrassed—your friends will marvel at how you pound beer after beer and never excuse yourself. Just one thing: if you're combining this with Reason #1, do yourself a favor and make sure you dispose of the diaper before you take a stranger home/go home with a stranger, because that could get awkward. Unless he/she likes it, in which case, gross.
3. The Biebs Is Doing It
Are you really going to stand against The Biebs? Big mistake. You scoffed at his "middle-aged lesbian" haircut, and now thanks to Justin Bieber, lesbian fashion is so in that you're considering buying a Subaru. You didn't think a 15-year old whiteboy from Canada could share the stage with real urban music legends like Usher and Jay-Z, but The Biebs is so real these days that I heard he had his bodyguards dangle Nick Jonas upside-down off a hotel balcony just for a cheap laugh. So when you see that he's signed off on rocking an official OnePiece (and the American flag no less!), maybe it's time you learned your lesson and just went with it.
[Side note: are you curious what The Biebs gets at Subway? Me, too. Like we noted before, he's from Canada, so don't be surprised if it's something horrifying, like their Seafood Salad. Who walks into a Subway and says to themselves, "I'll bet this place has delicious, safe seafood!"? Gross, Justin. Gross.]
We'll see you at the next onesie party.
[Bieber Fever Spreading Via]