It hasn't been the best week ever for Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's public image, and that's saying a lot. Never an icon of virtue or restraint, ol' Sitch has been quoted several times in the media saying that the upcoming 4th season of "Jersey Shore" would be his last, and that he'd like to star in movies. Temporarily setting aside the most obvious problems with this career path, we strongly recommend that Mike lock down whatever movie deals he can in the next, oh, twenty-five minutes or so. Because based on last week's show and last night's Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump, The Situation is the most unlikeable human being in the known universe.
It should not necessarily come as a surprise to anyone who's seen him steer an alcohol-drenched guidette towards his pajama drawer that The Situation often rubs people the wrong way. In fact, from the very first episode of the very first season, it was clear that Sitch is driven entirely by a deep, crippling insecurity that he can't help but project to everyone around him, even as he begs them to love him. Really, he's a tragic figure, deserving of your deep compassion and sympathy. Or, at least, he would be, if he didn't leave Lean Cuisine and Juice Box's dog shit on your floor every time he gets lonely:
You see, The Situation's greatest fear in life is rejection, but he cannot avoid it. He attempts to engineer scenarios where those around him can fail, so that he can step in and take control, but his maneuverings are so ham-fisted that even when he succeeds in sewing discord, everyone sees right through it, and blames him for it, compounding his own insecurities. He is the architect of his own misery, which is as close to a skilled profession as he will ever get.
All of which brings us to last night's spectacular implosion at the Donald Trump Roast, where Sitch, and his "piles of money" that he repeatedly made reference to, were unable to buy him a single laugh. In a way, the Roast was reassuring for "Jersey Shore" fans like me, who are always wondering just how much of the show's unbelievable stupidity can be credited to careful MTV production and crafty video editing. After last night, we can rest assured that even if the producers were feeding him the super-smart pills from this Bradley Cooper/DeNiro movie that we had to sit through 135 commercials for, Sitch would probably be crushing them up, snorting them, and still having trouble with basic arithmetic. And according to TMZ, we didn't even get the worst of it in the telecast, as they cut out several tasteless (read: unfunny) jokes about slavery, deafness, and bestiality from the final broadcast.
So I guess comedy won't be the genre of these upcoming movie roles we've been hearing so much about. And, despite those abs, I'm afraid he just looks too much like he's always about to cry to be an action star. But I think I might have a solution. The perfect role for Sitch, if you will, a character whose obstacles and struggle in life match up so perfectly with his own that he was born to play the role:
"Momma always said, life is like a glass of Ron-Ron Juice. You never know when you're gonna pass out."